Shartcon

a simple warning system named in homage to the defense readiness condition aka defcon. shartcon is also present at 5 levels, whereas shartcon level 5 would mean only a slight chance of a possible shart. shartcon level 1 would entail that one is in eminent danger of sharting shortly, and should proceed to the nearest bathroom just in case. it is an early warning system aimed at helping normal citizens avoid sh-tting the pants.
dude, i drank alot of jager last night and just grubbed some taco bell…i’m operating at a shartcon level 2. better pull over, just in case–this fart feels dangerous.
shartcon is a condition that is much like the defcon system used by the department of defense.

a shartcon alert is declared for a variety of reasons, including but not limited to:

abdominal pain combined with mild nausea and vile gurgling from the stomach.

the 24-48 hours following a drinking binge.

during flu-like symptoms, as well as while on some antibiotics.

for at least 4 hours immediately following a confirmed -ssblast.

when a shartcon alert is declared, a severity level is -ssigned in descending order of severity from 5 to 1. (a 5 is technically a “shart watch” level)

each individual varies as to what level they are at under the given symptoms and circ-mstances, as well as the procedures for increasing or decreasing their shartcon levels. criteria that are universal while in shartcon levels 4 through 2 include the golden rule:

one must always test fart. remember the tried and true phrase “don’t want to shart? test fart!”. the lower the level, the more cautious the test fart. while under shartcon 2, one must stay within striking distance of acceptable sit-down toilet facilities.

shartcon 1, the most sever level, requires a strict adherence to the following:

you must remain in sphincter-lock until condition improves to at least fartcon 2. this means no test farts of any kind.

you must stay within 30 feet of open toilet facilities.

if you must sleep in fartcon 1, you must make the necessary bed preparations (towels, wearing multiple pairs of expendable pants garments, etc).

once you’ve successfully p-ssed a non-shart on the toilet, you may choose at that time to downgrade to sc 2.

beware of the fart & sweat as this can lull you into a false sense of confidence and cause you to tragically downgrade while still very much at risk.
rick: dude, sliders at 4 am after 5 pitchers of stag? i am at shartcon 3 for sure.

jenny: ooohhhh i don’t know if that is feeling like just a fart or not…

trisha: girl, don’t mess around. go to shartcon 5 right now.