Staples High School

in a town you must fight to survive, there was a small school that defied all odd, and did the impossible.
from the producers of:
shall we dance or shall we buy really expensive things,
harold and k-mar of westport go to and buy white castle,
and crouching tiger, hidden rich person
comes the extraordinary story of an ordinary school with a lot of money. at $2.00 for a bacon cheeseburger and $1.75 for a vitamin water, staples high school is not a place you wanna be living in if you’re black. coincidentally, there are 7 black people in shs, which is the reason for our basketball and fried chicken eating contest success. the school requires academic excellence, and you’re a failure if you don’t go to an ivy league college, hence the large amount of asians. of course, because they all look alike, it’s tough to tell that there are infact more than one of them, but if you look at the yearbook, they’re there. additionally, the kids from westport are breed for exceptional achievement in sports, with the help of fancy equipment. in fact, rumor has it that some kid bought a $500 baseball bat before actually making the team. of course as fate would have it, the little pudgester got cut. of course, this meant nothing except maybe he’d have to go a day without his normal gourmet meals, but this kid had enough gourmet meal to feed all of africa. a typical math cl-ss consists of each and every student equiped with ti-84 plus calculators, which go for $120 a piece wholesale. another exrtaordinary thing about this mid-sized, recently renovated school is that, the minute you walk in the door, on the floor is a 10 foot emblem, made of marble imported directly from italy. this bad boy goes for 17 grand and upward. the film and audio cl-sses are surrounded with only the most recent and high tech programs on the market, and every room in the entire school has an 8 foot pull down projection screen, with a full color, state of the art rby projecter paired with it. however, contrary to popular belief, the teachers there are oblivious. after school hours are spent infront of the tv, enjoying a friendly game of xbox live and a light snack, consisting of milk, cookies, and weed. so this summer, prepare yourself for a joureny that will stay with you… forever

staples high school: the movie
“staples high school has 6 1/2 black people in it”
“the people at staples high school like drugs”
you know u go to staples when….

1. you have walked 10ft without seeing a tv and felt the overwelming rush of relief when u saw the piler with a tv on either side
2. you are not surprised when yest another nail salon opens…in the place of where an old one used to be
3. you have had a time where u felt that the most social place to be is the diner
4. the police reports section of the westport news only has stories on people letting their dogs off leashes at the beach when they’re -gasp!_not supposed to
5. you have paid $1.75 for a vitamin water b/c face it…ur adictied
6. you think norwalk is like harlem/south side of chicago
7. while someone was describing someone as the tall emo kid u have sarcasticlly said…well that narrows it down. to half of staples
8. if you’re a “player” you’re most likely not on an athletic team, and you definitely don’t get around
9. u have overheard people asking for dimes from people and the only response they recived is that poeple had dime bags
10. you’ll pay 3.50 for your lunch but refuse to pay $1 for the penguin plunge/various other good causes
11. you have had at least one teacher know everything about yout social life
12. every one of your teachers is clinically insane..it’s usually your foreign language teacher
13. (regarding only to poeple with older siblings) you have had every sophmore and older come up to you yelling ur last name
14. the most exersize you get is walking the stairs in the new building
15. you have complained about walking the stairs in the new building
16. there are 3 starbucks in your town and not a single one has a drive through
17. bambi and his friends rock out in your yard
18. you hate sharing every freaking aspect of your town wit hweston
19. you have gone to starbucks before school and upon arriving to school you werent surprised to see the majority of the students walking around with a starbucks cup
20. you loathe d-block, and we’re not talking about the periodic table
21. you have misused the phrase legit. many many times
22. “legit” and “rattled” and “sketchy” are the only words in your vocabulary
23. you have question why the courtyard has lamps outside and you came to the conclusion that the only reason is just in case the daytime suddonly becomes compleatly dark
24. people at your school get arrested….for food fights (umm see: last year)
25. you have run into martha stewart and//or paul newman and//or you are a kneighbor with them
26. and you hate them all
27. you think there are tons of jews everywhere in america
28. you complain about not getting a snow day even when its march
29. you have used your cell during cl-ss to call the snow line even when its compleatly sunny outside
30. the worst most disgusting cr-p you’ve ever seen is walking through the caf after 3rd lunch
31. you relate to the oc way to much
32. there are two kinda of people in your town–those who watch the oc, and those who dont because they live it
33. you have watched the oc…heard someone say awkward…and rewind (on ur tivo) just to prove that it wasent ur friend but summer
35. the school parking lot is full of lexuses/jaguars/insert name of ridiculously expensive ride
36. you marvel at the fact that staples dosent have enough money to buy new stuff for the new new new building but there is still a plasma tv every 10 or so feet
37. your school spent $80 million to rebuilt but they still cant put a stapler in every cl-ssroom
38. your school also does not have enough money to buy mechanic pencil sharpeners for the cl-ssrooms in the new new new building
39. girls in some gym cl-sses get good grades for wearing short shorts
40. your gym cl-ss has random seniors watching the girls run
41. you come int oschool every mornign with a starbucks/dunkin donuts coffee cup even though your school sells coffee
42. buying a coffee at school is less expensive then buying a bottle of water
43. other towns breed cows…westport breeds milfs
44. your downtown has 4 talbets and 3 ann taylors and no one from westport shops there
45. its weirder to see dogs without peopel clothing on than with
46. you have either had or overheard peopel discussing how awkward the opening to vitamin water is
47. you go to, on average, 4 cl-sses a day
48. you and your friends have never been afraid of openly talkin bout drugs, drinking, and parties
49. the only beach in your town is chronically polluted and just overall disgusting
50. but that dosent matter b/c peopel only really rock out there at nite
51. and by rock out we mean get plastered/ highhhhhhh
52. degr-ssi is your secret obsession
53. you’re in the minority if you dont drink
54. all the poice and the teachers kno about every party in town but the “rave” got closed down b/c someone parked in the middle of the road
55. you eat take-out chinese food at least once a week
56. either shanghi gormet, little kichen, or matsu are in your phonebook
57. you refuse to ever take a westport taxi
58. a teacher has called you either a drunk or a pothead…or both
59. 3/4 of your school went to a dave matthews concert i nteh spring/summer of 05
60. you have run into ur teachers at the gym and had an amazingly awkward convo about school
61. you’ve run into them while buying cigarettes or alcohol
62. your health teacher told you the fastest way to get high but yells at you for swearing
63. if you’re a girl you wear summer clothes i nteh middle of a blizzard
64. if you’re a guy you wear shorts or a short sleeve shirt all year round
65. if you go to staples basketball games and hear yeah ..5 no matter if they are winning or if ..5 is even on the court (that ones basically for me, but it has to be added)
66. if you insisted on driving a car to school and walking a mile in teh freezing cold instead of takin a bus and gettin dropped off a foot from school
67. it takes you 10 mintues to walk from one cl-ss on one floor to your next cl-ss…on the other side of the same floor
68. if you go to school when all other towns schools are closed
69. you’ve memorized the snow line pphone number and call it even when its sunny and 50 degrees
70. the only newspaper you get your news from is the westport news
71. the only thing to do on a friday night is get crunk
72. you use the word “crunk” every single day
73. you like bands until they become mainstream and then hate them, and you hat ethe kids who just listen to htier songs on the radio
74. you’ve gotten p-ssed off when someone said crunked instead of crunk
75. your football team domiantes and wins state championships
76. you cl-ssify as one of the following
a. you deleated or got a facebook b/c mysp-ce is to adicting
b. you have both mysp-ce and facebook
77. you have had friend requests from peopel you wenty to preschool with and you havent taked to them since
78. you’re a wrecker for life
79. you used to play rec sports with half of the kids in your grade
80. everyone in your grade basically gets a job at beach camp
81. you get free scopes at ben and jerrys b/c you kno everyone working there
82. you own at least a ti 83
83. an $100 calculator is a requirement in your math cl-ss
84. whenever you tell peopel you go to “staples high school” it sp-wns endless jokes/weird looks…even better when you tell them your schoo lwas named after an actual man
85. when not mentioning its a high school peopel have question you if you go to an office supply store
86. you wonder why you’re called a “stapleite” and not a “stapler”
87. you have called your school staples university b/c it is so f-cking large
88. you cant remember a time when there wasnt construction being done on your school
89. you use the words new new at least 349855746 times in one given day
90. you honestly don’t know any of the stapels administration’
91. there r 2 new p-ssage ways to the cafeteria but they are both empty while the 4 buildign is always packed
92. when you buy a fake id and use it once at the warehouse
93. you have played never have i ever many many times including during school and every time you are in a jacuzzi
94. every single comment ever can be made into a s-xual innuendo
95. you have become amazing friends with people through mysp-ce slash facebook comments but dont even smile when p-ssing them in the hallway
96. when people were polo/lacoste/vineyard vines its not to dress up, its regular outfits
97. when someone is describing someone and they describe them as the preppy girl you have responded with…well that narrows it down to basically the whole school
98. your town newspaper has typos in every edition
99. your school newspaper uses bigger words then your towns and is so true that sometimes you think that someone was listening to your convos then writing articles bout them
100. your school newspaper is award-winning yet still makes 49367104 spelling/grammar mistakes
101. everything at your school is award winning
102. when you can find perfectly good designer clothing at the local goodwill for 5 bucks
103. when you have seen the same shirt one 8 different girls in one day
104. when you have the 2nd oldest gay bar in the us
105. when you and your friends have laughed at the caution wild horses inside sign
106. the biggest hangout in town is the diner where they know you by name and you order your “usual”
107. you go to starbucks after the diner and see everyone there that was at the diner now at starbucks
109. mapquest is your best friend…for getting arounf westport
110. you have walked from synougue to mcdonalds
111. the msot scandalous store in town was chroma..and you were devestated when it closed
112. the poeple at starbucks have refused to take your dollar b/c it was crumpled
113. you own/have owned a golden retriever
114. you have taken 30mins to walk from one side of school to the other during your free
115. you dont know a single person who actually goes to the westport library
116. when your teacher says to pick up a certian book for cl-ss everyone orders it overnite from amazon just to aviod going to the library
117. when tifany’s opened downtown you were blown away that it took so long for it to come
118. when people are getting high and drunk in front of the poilice station
119. your high school secruity guard is called robo by everyone but only a small percentage of student actually know his real name (dave bennett)
120. you have either cried when 24 or the oc season ends
121. your county has been referred to as the fc
122. you belong to one of the richest countys in the country but dont understand it
123. growing up, you went to over 30 bar/bat mitzvahs
124. even though you only went to 30 bar/bat mitzvahs…you had to turn down 57467890 b/c they were all on the same date
125. your school’s athletes dont even go to conference schools, they go to ivies
126. you did absolutly nothin in high school except party and you still got into an amazing school
127. everyone you know has a camera phone with internet connection
128. you can quote movies like its your job
129. you decide the numbers in your sn by the initials of your crush
130. you own at least one pair of uggs and if you dont…you talk bout how much you hate them to make up for the fact that you dont own a pair (also works for birkenstocks)
131. you j walk
132. you dont know how to park or drive
133. you jwalk in when the car your wakling in front of is a cop car
134 you can sweet talk your way out of gettign a ticket almsot every time”
135. you or someone you know got out of a ticket b/c the cop used to ref. or ump. you as a kid
136. there are actual cannons at your beach
137. you played little league softball or baseball with every kid in your geade as a kid
138. you have walked from someones house to downtown b/c you couldnt find a ride
139. laddie is a celebrity at your school
140. you can spot a senior sweatshirt from a mile away
141. your senior sweatshirts have s-xual references in them (nicknames)
142. everything you say is a s-xual refrence b/c your either h-rny or you are pretending to be h-rny
143. peopel pregame to all your schools sporting events…even when its at 11 a.m.
144.college kids come back for the football games just for the parties
145. you know the wln was better than echalk will ever be
146. your elementry school cl-ss was the tester cl-ss for wln
147. the freshman dance was better than the homecoming dance..and they actually cancelled the homecoming dance
148. the homecoming dance was cancelled so there is offically 2 dances for your entire 4 years at staples
149. people only go to the after parties anyway not the actual parties
150. after graduation the school throws a party on the beach where everyone still gets drunk and high
151. you have your mom or dad as a teacher’
152. your preschool cl-ss is bascially the same peopel in your drivers ed cl-ss
153. communicatio ntime is devoted to the latest episode of 24/lost/survivor…..
154. you or someone in your cl-ss watches tv on their ipod during cl-ss
155. people hook up playstation and xbox in teh caf and the deans dont say anything about it
156. you have noticed that their is 6 tvs in the caf and 1 faces a wall
157. your mascot is a construction worker with an underbite
158. you have had a bird in 1 of your cl-sses and was amazed that everyone was acting liek it was so normal
159. when you ahve a flat screen tv for every square inch of your high school..but theyre never turned on
161. when your 50 year old teacher discusses condoms with you (and this has happened in more than one cl-ss)
162. when deans at your school look at your webshots during school cause they really have nothign to do
163. you have a moto razor
164. one of your teachers has a facebook and the only comments on the wall are from the students
165. you know that the sherwood diner owns the athena diner
167. all your teachers went to an ivy league and then your forgein languague teacher….your pretty sure…didnt go to college
168. you know at least 3 kids with a house n vermont
169. you have started a facebook group about nothing
170. or devoted to a word
171. the “i hate eliote landon b/c he never gives us a snowday” group has more members then the “staples high school” group
172. your princ-p-l greets students at the bus drop off ever morning yet you stil ldont know his name
173. new kids join ur grade everyday but you never notice the face that in the begining of the year your grade had bout 430 but now have like 500
174. you and your teahers are on a first name basis
175. you and your teachers discuss the weekend partys
176. you dont actually know what stop signs are for
177. when your gym teacher knows your name way before you know theres
178. you dont even know wher eyour lockers is because you share with someone else
179. you have had a relationship start or end b/c of talkin over either aim, facebook, or mysp-ce
180. you have corrected your friends order at the diner when they forgot something and they thanked you for it
181. you have had a diner bill over $100
182. you know someone who works at wishlist/get charmed/totally kool/lf
183. you know at least one person who goes to ithaca
184. you have an obssesion with girl scout cookies
185. you cant spell every since you discoved spell check
186. you get special priveliges to type papers in school
187. you have noticed that the “cows” have been named
188. you can get a nurses note to skip gym because of a paper cut
189. when you walk someone to cl-ss on the other side of school you can get a p-ss from the nurse b/c u have a “headache”
190. you fake a sprained ankle just so you can get crutches and get to use the elevator
191. when you have noticed that there are certain staircases that no one ever uses
192. you still get lost in school
193. you can never find a bathroom other than on the ends of the school so you walk bout 3 miles just to go pee
194. your school is an airport. basically
195. your schools cafeteria ladies speak english and another language that no one can place
196. c-ke is popular and we odnt mean the soda
197. you always find someone you know in the “police resports” section of the paper
197. the school wont let you buy c-ke (the soda) until 1.20 in the afternoon but the vitamin waters and snapple’s have just as much caffeine and sugar
198. you cant understand that no others school have an indoor track like yours
199. you kno that there are 39 tvs not including the library and 3rd floor
200. your backpack weighs 3 times your body weight
201. you would rather not be able to pick up your backpack than have to go to your locker more than twice (pushing it) a day
202. your town doesnt have a single movie theater
203. you have never seen so many redheads in one place
204. football players think they own the school…and practically do
205. the lobby of your school costs more than your dads bmw
206. your cell ringer goes off in cl-ss and your teacher starts humming the song
207. peopel without ipods are social outcasts
208. everyone knows your ring so that when it rings during cl-ss everyoen…including the teacher…knows to turn to you
209. after school you go to fortunas before practice and your whole school is there getting food..inc teachers
210. you consider yourself to be the whitest person on the planet
211. and you still go to the tanning beds once a week
212. someone you know thinks they are black
213. your emo
214. you consider yourself emo whenever you listen to certain bands
215. 420 is a holiday for you
216. you chugged water when lacking other things
217. you’ve never been to sherwood island
218. you went to a sleepaway camp for at least one summer
219. you think people who actually carry traditional backpacks are so uncool
220. when it rains every girl is wearing uggs
221. texting is the only thing that gets you through boring cl-sses
222. when it rains you refuse to wear a hat or hood cause it messes up your hair
223. you go shopping for spring clothing looking for things that no one else would have but of course everyoen does
224. bagel maven has fantastic bagles but you know the true bagels were from brueger’s
225. you went to stew leondards as a field trip in elementry school
226. you’ve seen veery imax at the maritime…3 times
227. you only go to the chef’s table on the post road
228. you and your friends use harry potter quotes as phrases
229. and napoleon dynamite
230. you have been to at least 4 houses where you didnt know the persons name
231. you still go trick or treating even thoguh youre 18
232. everyone at your school saw high school musical
233. and isnt afraid to admit it
234. you have gotten out of actully doin cl-sswork by asking your teacher bout their college
235. you’ve wasted an entire 80 minute cl-ss talkign about anything with your teacher and pretendingto be interested in their stories and asking lots of questions to keep from doing work
236. you have gotten out of cl-ss by singing disney movie songs the entire period
237. when you’re at the table closest to the doors in the caf, and someone is locked outside nad banging on the door, youstil ldont get up to open it for them
238. no one actully waits in line inside the caferteria but kinda just walks up to the cashier
239. you odnt pay for lunch
240. your obssesed with the chocolate chip m-ffins
241. you know which lunch ladies to go to, and which ones to avoid
242. you have a fav. lunch lady that gives you wayy to much change
243. you purposely dont return library books just so you dont get your report card
244. you cant wait for report cards to be sent over echalk b/c ur parents cant understand echalk
245. shs website sports section hasn’t been updated in 2 years
246. you describe peopel by what sport they play
247. your school has 4fields yet its sinful to even breathe on the football field if youre not a football player
248. if ur sibling played a varsity sport then all the coaches kno you by first name
249. face it, if you have an older sibling you’ll never have your own ident-ty
250. you have posted a bullitan about one person or it says somethign that only one person will get
251. you either belong to a country club or have a swiming pool slash tennis court in your backyard
252. you alwyas mooch off of other people for lunch money even thoguh your mom just gave you a $50 check for your account
253. you have bought bout 4 cookies for lunch and none of them were with your own money
254. your dean is your coach
255. you dean/ coach gets you out of trouble
256. youve been caught eating in the library and continue to do it
256. when you can name at least 4 chuck norris jokes but have never actully seen the list
257. when your teachers can quote chuck norris facts
258. after seeing the chuck norris list dissing jack baurer you searched for the jack baurer list
259. if you dont watch 24 you’re shunned
260. you have tried oreos and peanut b-tter after you watched parent trap
261. you tell people you like oreos and peanut b-tter to seem cool, but secretly think its disgusting
262. when 1 out of 4 peopel you meet havent lived in westport their whole life
263. you refer to westport as “the port” when the real port is bridgeport
264. you have hung out on the cannons just b/c you can
265. your middle school is on the site of a former dump
266. your middle school (the other one) is within 20ft of the elementry school
267. you started walking to and from school in 3rd grade
268. everybody denies listening to z100 but listens to the z morning zoo every day on the way to school
269. you leave your things in the lost and found just so you don’t have to carry them around with you
270. you think the real brave souls are those who eat the school’s pizza at lunch
271. when the cl-sses in the new new building uses desks from the 50’s
272. you join a sports team just for the jackets and/or other parts of the uniform, then quit
273. you only join a club to be i nthe yearbook picture
274. or you skip that step and just steal your friends sports clothing
275. the house next to yours sold for 7 million and thats after it was brought down from 12 million
276. there are the peopel who live by the beach…and thise who wish they did
278. people swim in teh saugatuck river
279. you ask your friends to tag their facebook pictures of you even if its only your hand
280. you wear your senior sweatshirt at east 3 tiems a week
281. you wear your siblings clothing…it dosent matter if they are 19 or 5
282. your mom got a facebook and its wall is covered in comments from cute guys
283. your brothers girlfriends camp friends sister added you on facebook
284. you find these wayy to true
i walked 10 feet and didnt see a tv and began to spaz. thank god for that random piler with a tv on either side. only at staples high school