Steven Seagal

a very powerful man, one so powerful he beats his three wives for fun. has hair the likes one has never seen; it resembles matted down beaver hair that never moves, even when fighting on top of a train or running around in the alaskan wilderness. currently weighing in at a cool 400 pounds, he doesn’t have to actually fight anymore, just wave his hands and all have broken necks or arms. he dresses to kill in all black, which does not hide his bulky -ss. no acting skills are required; all that is needed is to have a d-ck in your throat and be able to mumble “mission accomplished”. in order to kill like seagal, you must be able to slide for 20 minutes without a running start and shoot your enemies at the same time, even on the flatest of surfaces. (no reloading is required, your ammo is endless).
every movie is made with his character having the name “john”, “jack”, or “casey”. in order to write a plot for a seagal movie, all you must do is have him a) be a cop, b) a mercenary or c) an ex-serviceman. then seagal must either save a sub, a town, a nuclear warhead, the environment, or all of the above. he must do battle with columbian druglords, terrorists, or environmental evildoers. then seagal ultimately saves the day, and ends the movie with a snazzy one-liner. while the credits are rolling, you could have him strumming one of his guitars, and singing a jaunty little number.
i totally steven seagalled that guy; mission accomplished.

i am steven seagal…someone has to take out the garbage.

i tried it with my girlfriend, she said “mission accomplished, all the way in”.
one of the most powerful forces in the universe, almost as powerful as mike anderson. capable of using aikido to dispatch virtually any opponent (or many opponents) with ease. never before has any opponent put as much as scratch on steven seagal, in other words he is untouchable. hi-yah!
carl: i am going to beat your -ss!

phil: don’t make me pull a steven seagal on you!

carl: oh yeah, well i’ll just….uurrghh!!!!

phil: that’s what i thought. hi-yah!
one of the coolest actors ever. a ninja and not afraid to show it.
me> d-mn, steven seagal is the f-cking man

r-t-rd> that guy is a sh-tty actor and his movies su-

steven seagal> -appears out of nowhere and swiftfully executes a flawless move, paralyzing the un-wise one from the back down-

me> thanks, steven

steven seagal> no problemo -dissapears-
an actor who plays in the same movie over and over again but with slightly tweaked plots. his trademark: snapping the necks of wrong-doers.
most of his movies include the following:
-the token black guy
-the token hispanic
-the token hot girl
-copious amounts of foreshadowing
-neck-snapping action
: hey, did you hear about steven seagal’s new movie, “under seige?”
: was that the one where the arabs hijack the plane?
: no, that was “executive decision.” in “under seige,” a battle-ship is hijacked by homicidal hippies.
: why do we like steven seagal again?
the living g-d of no selling, steven seagal has never been injured in any movie he has starred in. if you were to use it as an adjective, it would describe a situation were you were expected to get hurt, but came out without a scratch.
person 1: “whoa, you just steven seagalled that car wreck. it looks like everyone else involved is dead.”
person 2: “that’s because i am steven seagal.” (breaks person 1’s neck)
a professional 80’s p-rnstar who moved on to acting in the 90’s. as soon as the 80’s were over, he stopped making p-rnos just like that. before his p-rno career he was a professional gay bodybuilder who occasionally dabbled in strongman compet-tions. he dominated that one where he lifts the boulder all over the place. while he was doing this, he often squinted and looked constipated, but doody would eventually drop out of his -ss as he victoriously finished.
in his p-rnos he was most notoriously known for ponytail penetration. that is, he stuck his ponytail in some poontang. he inspired 2girls1cup with his 80’s feature 2girls1ponytail. many of his other scenes show him in the background beating off to 3 orgies: girl/girl, guy/girl, guy/guy. his most famous p-rnos are “aikido in a speedo” and “out for an orgy”. in the former he is seen dancing around with pigtails wearing a pink speedo in front of many j-panese girls. he got banned from the p-rno industry for snapping the necks of too many co-stars. seagal also forgets to wipe after he takes a dump. he just uses the residue as a quick source of hair gel. his action movie career was most impressive. he does an excellent job as the antagonist in kindergarten cop and he also plays as that one convict in conair. he’s the convict with the ponytail who is burned by cyrus the virus for stealing his plane. it’s false to say he is fat because he was absolutely ripped in out for a kill.
why is the sky blue?

because steven seagal did p-rn in the 80’s…
a martial artist action movie star with a face full of wrinkles, constantly squinting eyes, short black hair with a widow’s peak and a dumb ponytail.

his movie career began with “above the law” in 1987, and throughout the 90s he starred in several more mainstream action movies. his career came to a doom in the early 00s, where in 2002 he made his last released-to-theaters movie “half past dead” with rapper ja rule.

through recent years, he’s been making cr-p direct-to-dvd movies, sometimes making up to four or five movies a year. 2010 saw the return of seagal to the big screen…for machete, in which he’s the villain. oh and he dies.

his movies are known for:
-his character either is out for revenge or has to rescue someone.
-the fight scenes have quick cuts, lots of obvious doubles, unnecessary close ups and the camera spinning around rapidly trying to fool audiences into thinking seagal is actually hitting someone.
-seagal requires a stunt double to walk.
-he can take someone’s gun by barely raising his hand.

-he will say some stupid cliche line before beating the sh-t out of someone.
-his movie’s plots are always “serious” dark and gritty
danny: wanna watch a steven seagal movie?
marshall: didn’t that guy die from eating too many mcdonald’s?

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