textual assistance
a cl-ssier term used by the upper cl-ss to refer to “s-xting” the act of erotically stimulating another person from a distance via text. text can be in the form of instant messaging, text messaging, p-ssing notes, morse code and even smoke signals. textual -ssistance is usually used while in a long distance relationship to keep up the guise of a “real” s-x life you can discuss with your socialite friends, but also includes leaving sensual messages on your fiancé’s corporate satellite phone or dirty post-its slipped to the twenty something secretary of yours you poke while your wife is at charity galas. while textual -ssistance can be used both to signal a booty call or nudge both parties in the direction of an -rg-sm…it is an essential part of the elite life.
(on a private ship at sea)
butler : sir, your mobile just vibrated. it appears to be a text message.
-young heir to fuzzy dice empire takes one hand off the wheel of his yacht and picks up the ruby encrusted phone-
maxwell lucas hetherington iii : not a text message boothby, you silly old chap! this is textual -ssistance from the princess of luxembourg! as you can tell by the swelling in my ferragamo’s she’s quite the dirty bird that one! better swing round the cape and take a gander at that crown jewel before the cricket match!”
editor’s note: scriptwriters for cw’s gossip girl recently asked for this to be used on their show to expose overweight, multi-ethnic and working cl-ss america to the wonders of “textual -ssistance”. angry gold leafed scrolls flooded in from all over the world to cw headquarters accusing the show of being too “tawdry” and having a multi-racial cast. for fear of losing ad revenues, it was pulled from the script.
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