the bible

old testament: g-d creates the universe and he sees it and it’s serious business, but then satan pretends to be a snake and trolls eve, telling her ” apple or gtfo”(cuz she was already showing t-ts). she chooses the former and then her and her f-ck buddy adam get b& from eden for being trollbait. then a lot of serious f-cking incest occurs and we get the human race (which explains a lot, really).

then later, g-d gets uber p-ssed about pharaoh hitler pwning the jews, so he gives moses some cheat codes for the universe. moses stages a m-ss slave runaway and opens up the sea so the jews can run through, closing it behind him and drowning the ancient n-z-s; g-d lol’d.

some other less important sh-t happens, mostly composed of a bunch of f-ggots writing emo poetry about god for him to fap to.

new testament: g-d finds mary sleeping and just sticks the tip in and drops his load. nine months later jesus is born. for his 13th birthday g-d gave jesus more cheat codes than he gave moses, plus the rcon p-ssword for life, and some cp.

later, jesus became a hard core ska punk and trolled the old school jews hard. they got super p-ssed and permabanned him with a cross and some nine inch nails. they forgot he had god mode turned on though, so he waited 3 days and hit vid_restart on the rcon panel, came back into life’s server, and laughed at the jews.

after that, 3 more guys tell the same story, then this f-ggot paul wrote an -ssload of sh-t about s-x being evil and a bunch of other stuff that jesus never f-cking said but everybody listened to paul anyway because they’re stupid.

the end

– by noah mchugh
i read the bible today, it was epic as h-ll.
primarily an account of the history of the human race as told by the ancient hebrews in the oral tradition, later written down. it details not only the historical accounts of their people but the influence in their god, yahweh. yahweh is a god of history to these people and has a great influence in the course of human events. also included in these texts are psalms or lyric writings concerning yahweh, proverbs and prophesy concerning the fate of their people, and the coming of the messiah who was foretold to bring the people of yahweh out of bondage.
the portion of the bible commonly referred to as the new testament pertains to an historical catalyst in the persona of jesus of nazareth, perceived by those who believed him to be the messiah that was foretold. it is a collection of the memoirs of the apostles, known as the gospels and the acts of the apostles. also included are letters of the apostles to different christian communities of their time admonishing them against behavior and belief that would lead them astray from the meaning of the gospels.
the bible is not necessarily a ‘do this not that’ affair. it is a collection of poetry, history, prophecy and legend. not all of it is necessarily historically acurate, but it is also not meant as a means of control. im not sure where everyone got that idea.
the most famous fantasy novel in human history.
the bible isn’t even that good, lotr is a much better fantasy novel. the bible is quite stupid and contradicts itself a lot. i think a r-t-rd wrote it.
a book used to control the m-sses with a false threat and reward system.
see: george w. bush, mind control
do what your told like the bible teaches.
a book written by men, inspired by g-d, that gives guidelines on how you should live your life.
it also tells you how the world was created, how it will end, what will happen to believers, and what will happen to those who adamantly refuse g-d and his omniscience.
the bible is meant to be taken literally in some aspects, and is open to interpretation in others.

it chronicles the origin of the world and civilization (the alternative is the theory of evolution which will never be proven).
the bible shows how an intelligent designer could create something as complex as our world and life in general.
the bible is full of prophecies that have been fulfilled, as well as prophecies that have been fulfilled in recent history, and prophecies that will be fulfilled.

contrary to popular belief, the bible does lend itself to science and human knowledge. it gives explanations that some choose not to accept (like little kids with their hands covering their ears, eyes clinched shut, mumbling ‘la la la la la la la’ because they think this changes reality).
the bible is a fantastic book to read, whether you believe it is the truth, or not.
instructions for living
i have read nietzsche and the bible. the single purpose of these conflicting sources is the goal of living. a common goal, whether it be through belief in g-d or a life as a superhuman, stress the same beliefs. if it feels wrong, don’t do it and if it is bad for others then it is bad for humanity. as a side note, read the beat-tudes. g-d exists for all of us.
basic
instructions
before
leaving
earth
bow to no man.

->bow to g-d!

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