the grump

an imaginary being that is said to have extraordinary strength, speed, stamina and trillions of other insane super powers.

biography:
name: the grump
age: unknown (created before the universe)
weight: unweighable
height: 9’11”

summary:
the grump came into existence quadrillions of years before the universe was created. 14 billion years ago, he became bored for the first time, so he invented mexican food. he didn’t know what to do with the creation so, after 18 thousand years, he ate it. the diabolical invention gave the grump gas which then erupted from his -n-s with the force of 900 decillion megaton nuclear warheads and thus, created the universe. the universe aged, and for a time it was good. he wandered from planet to planet, destroying billions of highly advanced races in distant galaxies. on one fateful day, the grump found the milky way (named as such because its core is comprised mainly of the grump’s s-m-n). he wandered aimlessly around the galaxy until he found our solar system and not long after… our planet. luckily for human kind as we know it, he enjoyed the climate, and the oceans (which at the time, were only fresh water, but the grump had a s-xual appet-te that literally exploded into the oceans. thus salt water was born). the grump became lonesome on the lifeless planet and so he created fossils, which amused him to a degree for millions of years. but he soon became lonesome again and invented the dinosaurs. he enjoyed there company and used them as his minions. but soon, the highly intelligent creatures attempted to gain sovereignty over the planet and so the grump destroyed them, turning them into his highly advanced sculptures, fossils. the grump, sad that he lost his only companion ever, he invented the genus “h-m-“. after 100, 000 years humans evolved, who the grump feared for a time. but the grump soon instilled them with conflicts among themselves, causing wars, religions and hate. the grump still lives among us today, lurking in the shadows (of immensly tall buildings). he wanders the planet, once again, aimlessly; planning revenge on the humans for taking the one thing that no other species ever in the history of the universe could ever take: sovereignty over their own planet.

copyright 2006-2007 © -all rights reserved-
every millenia, a champion is chosen by the humans to face the grump in the hopes of destroying him. in the previous millenia, it was orginally bruce lee who, after countless years of endless fighting with the grump was finally killed. the humans, their morale destroyed, broke tradition and elected a new champion. a man who has been alive as long as human kind existed. a man who has never known fear, remorse or sympathy. a man who has killed suns with his feet. the man is… chuck norris. the grump never completely knew how to destroy him, though he set a curse on the champion. he is now plagued by the grump invention known as “age”. the curse is one that is set onto an immortal such as norris, and slowly kills the victim. it is known to cause many other conditions such as heart disease, alzheimer’s disease, and “asianitis” which is described as “driving with the blinker left on.” yet norris lives on, he will die. the age curse is being fought endlessly by human scientists on many test subjects, one that is very famous, codenamed: “joan rivers”. chuck norris is currently fighting the grump on planet namek.

copyright 2006-2007 © -all rights reserved-
the state of one’s digestive system after a night of drinking lots of beer. it is a prolonged period of beer sh-ts, and is characterized by repeated heavy sh-ts, that take forever to come out, and leave greasy streaks on the bottom of the toilet.
i got hammered last night, and i’ve had the grumps all morning.
man, somebody must have the grumps; i can smell it from here, and the toilet is sh-t-stained.
i had the grumps this morning, and i feel about 5 pounds lighter now.