Tokyo Drift

the unfortunate leakage of sperm from the -ss, down into the v-g-n-l crevice, resulting in a accidental pregnancy.
my coach had a mishap with a fourteen year old asian girl, resulting in a case of tokyo drift.
the third movie in the fast and the furious series takes place in j-pan. this brilliant choice of location made the most sense since the first two movies glorified mad tyte jdm so much. moreover, this location was -ssured to make the ricer audience blow their money (and their wads) to see this cash cow.

i will save you the $10.00-$15.00 that the movie theater will try to rape you for and summarize the major “plot” points for you:

-poor fast and the furious domestic race car owner beats rich fast and the furious boy driving daddy’s viper. in typical f&f fashion, the race has more shifts than a “nissan 2.0” tv commercial and ends with carnage everywhere.

-because aforementioned poor boy now owes aforementioned rich boy a 10 second car, he get his mom to bang the cop so he can escape to j-pan to live with his millitary dad.

-poor boy (hereafter known as “son of millitary dad” or “gaijin”) is late for his first day of school and endures the torture of understanding the true meaning of “wabaki”

-he then meets up with the token of the f&f world who introduces him to rice on a whole new level. the rice is always fresher in j-pan anyway.

-gaijin attends his first drifting race with f&ftoken where he learns that “if you aint outta control, you aint in control!” he meets his main antagonist here the grandson of a yakuza (cue dramatic music here) and is challenged to a race. a friend of antagonist (who turns from the dark side later, but im getting ahead of myself) named han loans gaijin car to race.

-a mad tyte jdm, y0!1!one!1!1!eleven!1 race ensues in the parking garage which is also hosting a party because, well you know, that sort of cr-p always happens in the everyday life of a jdm streetracer. besides, they dont have sonic in j-pan!! because gaijin is new to drifting, he obviously must destroy the car while losing the race to the “drift king”, or dk for short. since this is in j-pan where people speak j-panese, it makes sense for him to have some nickname derived from english and not j-panese. uh, right?

-han takes gaijin under his wing to teach him how to drift since only true j-panese can teach roundeyes how to drift with jdm style. a montage of driving occurs that is reminiscent of the many training montages in the rocky movies. by the end, even j-panese fishermen begrudgingly accept the fact that white boy can drift.

-grandson of yakuza is forced to deal with han for skimming money off of yakuza profits. this is done by chasing him and gaijin through the streets of tokyo including “wai mad driftz, y0!” through a crowded intersection before han crashes his car bursting into flames and killing him.

-han’s ricer hq is raided leaving only a beat up skyline with the engine touched by baby jesus himself. this engine is transplanted to a musclecar that happened to be on millitary dad’s base which he took. this is important because gaijin goes to yakuza headquarters to propose a race between grandson and himself, loser leaves town.

-tense nighttime racing ensues down a hill in rural j-pan where “drift king” is supposedly the only one to make it down successfully, but loses because the combination of an american muscle body with jdm engine warps the sp-ce-time continuum such that even the “paul walker smoke ’em” supra couldnt hang.

-gaijin gets girl who was raised by yakuza, yakuza says he can stay, and gaijin becomes the new “drift king”.

-as a final entry into lameness, the new dk races vin diesel because he has “nothing but time”.

or, if you like, here is the short version brilliantly summarized by someone who commented on the trailer for this movie on streetfire:

“its brokeback mountain for ricers!!”
if i wanted to drive like cr-p, id tokyo drift it!
the act of moving from a relationship with one asian immediately to a relationship with another asian.
tom just broke up with song last week, now he’s with xi…d-mn that tokyo drift was nice.