Trojan War

the trojan war was a war between the trojan army and a bunch of queers from greece. the only heteros-xual in the entire greek nation was some spartan dude named menelaus, who was the mentally handicapped son of the dude from 300. one day, paris, some dude from troy, got a bj from this chick named helen, who was menelaus’ wife. this p-ssed menelaus off and he decided to go to war with the trojans. his brother agamemnon, who was the leader of most of the other greek cities (menelaus was always the slow child) decided to go to war with them.

the trojans were the greatest, awesomest, strongest, and s-xiest civilization of the time, but the greeks gave it their all. the whole war lasted 10 years. the first 9 years were pretty motherf-ckin’ boring, but in the last year things got a little screwey. the champion of the greek army was named achilles, whose b-ttbuddy patroclus got killed by some trojan dude named hector. achilles was p-ssed off he needed to find another b-ttbuddy, and decided to challenge hector to a fight. in the duel, athena kind of jewed hector out of all his weapons, but hector was still raping achilles (medaphorically), until hector slipped on one of achilles’ tubes of -n-l lube that he had dropped. hector got a concussion and died. achilles then tied hector’s dead body to the back of his chariot and rode it around troy and back to the greek camps, were he had violent -n-l s-x with it (he liked them messy).

just before hector died, the race for the position of king of troy had began. priam, who had been president before, lost to the emerging democratic party lead by odysseus. this is a little known fact, odysseus was actually a trojan dude. after those f-cking democrats took over, things got pretty f-cked up. paris shot and killed achilles with an arrow, and was sentenced to death by odysseus for the hate crime of murdering a h-m-s-xual. his execution was carried out by philoctetes. odysseus’ next act as president was to tear down the walls of troy and let all the immigrants come into the city as they felt like it. he built a giant wooden horse as a welcome sign for the new immigrants (similar to the statue of liberty). the greeks used this opportunity to try to invade the trojan city. however, for some reason the greeks were all walking with a limp that day (probably because of all the b-tt s-x)and couldn’t do sh-t (heh). the trojans were able to defeat the m-ssive army of h-m-s-xual invaders. however, odyssues was appalled by his city’s mistreatment of queers and immigrants and ordered the destruction of the city of troy for its xenophobic actions. however, one guy named aeneas was like f-ck that and decided to run to italy, where he founded rome. he named it the roman republic so his civilization would know to always be republicans and not like those f-cking liberals.

oh yah, and there’s a chick who f-cked a bull using a machine he friend built for her somewhere in the tale. i don’t know where the h-ll it is.
the iliad and the odyssey were the two gayest books i ever read, why the f-ck do they make you read them in school?

if the greeks won, why the f-ck is it called the “trojan war”? wtf
the time of which it takes to get your condom opened and on vs. the time you can maintain an erection without stimulation.
last night i was with my gurl, when it was s-x time i pulled out my condom and it was a trojan war.
a war 3000 years ago, which actually probably never happened and is really a load of f-ck made up by a greek nerd with small genitalia – i’m sure he had a statue commisioned which proves it – (but i’m not complaining because the movie was cool) between the trojans and the greeks, who got beat down for most of it and had to use a giant wooden, horse shaped d-ld- for the greek king with men inside to act as sperm, but who he forgot about and gave to the trojans as a peace gift when he needed a bigger toy to win, as well as a lot more soldiers (but to be fair the trojans did have m-ssive walls to defend them and to fire arrows off). the trojans were too p-ssed and comatose to give a f-ck about the horse so they let it in because they fought apollo creed gave it to them as a gift for raping the h-ll out of the greeks for most of the time and stealing their b-tches.
who the f-ck is sad enough to look trojan war up?