turd charmer

a t-rd charmer is one of a few highly trained members of a secret t-rd-charming sect that you can go to in india to deal with those stubborn t-rds one gets from time to time. when the t-rd charmer plays, the t-rd is animated and is summoned by the music of the flute.
it was months since i had last shat…i went to the best doctors money could buy. the doctors ran many tests on me, but finally concluded that current technology was not yet ready to handle my problem. their -n-lysis determined that my t-rd had been highly compacted under the immense pressure. it hardened to a degree it was 20x stronger than even carbon nanotubes. a general from area 51 offered me a billion dollars if i’d let them research my t-rd, but i declined. alas, there was nowhere to t-rd but the t-rd charmers of india. i was skeptical at first, but i took a place to sri lanka and walked through long stretches of desert until i at last came to one of the last remaining t-rd charmers. he made a deal–he would help me, but in return he got to keep my t-rd. i was reluctant at first, but i realized it was that or death. i bent over and he played his flute. i felt a rumbling from deep within my bowels, and i was terrified. my t-rd was animated by his amazing flute skills, it slowly emerged. the t-rd charmer was in a trance and did not notice the t-rd angrily staring at him. my t-rd turned it’s direction towards me for a quick glance, then immediately set out into the sunset where it was never seen from or heard from again.