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a small-in-size but renowned-in-reputation village on the south sh-r- of long island, where you can find a plethora of lifeguards, bongs, surf-racks, and gossip. a place where you can’t pee without the whole town finding out in an hour. the townies wear flip flops all year long, and beer pong is played, very compet-tvely, on any surface available. everyone either owns a boat, belongs to a yacht club, swims, or at least goes to robert moses or jones beaches weekly during the summer. everyone is athletically- or musically-inclined, and has unbeatable style. there is beef between private and public schooling, and a big distinction between the north and the south parts, but one thing about amityville is certain either way: there is never a dull moment. so f-cking cruise 80 miles an hour down richmond, smoke down at amityville beach, stuff your face at mike’s and blue t, pretend you don’t drop into brownstone’s all the time, get your -ss to the july 3rd fair and the christmas tree lighting, get big at dolphin, wait in line for an hour at better bagel, and remember that this f-cking bay village is a lot more than just friendly.

oh yeah, and there’s always that house that random people stop us to look for.
“where are you from?”
“amityville.”
“oh, wow.”

“sh-t, the cops are here.”
“it’s okay, i’m related to like 10 police officers.”

“have you ever been inside it? do people live there? is it true?”
“please shut up.”
7 more definitions
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detroit.
mentally ill from amityville…
north or south? there’s a difference.

also called a-ville by some people.

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north: also referred to as ‘the ghetto of amityville’

south: south of merrick. ‘where the white people live’
amityville in long island got all different kinds of neighborhoods and people

1. amity harbor be mostly made up of middle cl-ss white people (who think they’re rich). most send their kids to private school b/c of amity schools poor performance and racial reasons. most people from here flaunt they money in an extremely gaudy fashion in a desperate attempt to not be -ssociated wit north amity in the eyes of people from other towns. the amityville horror was here.

2. amityville village is mostly white but more diverse than the harbor. its more dense than da other parts of town and has older homes. this is where downtown is and all da fancy shops. the town be very concerned about they image and flipped out cause a supermarket sign aint had the right color or something of that nature. most people here be working cl-ss.

3. north amityville is mostly black with some latinos (and white people mainly in da trailer park’s). most people here act very ghetto (even da older bunch) to the point of it just gettin ridiculous and pathetic. north amity got high crime but it’s been very low in recent years, the parts off sunrise tend to got the most crime and poverty. there be a sh-tload of fast food restaurants on 110. north amity isn’t all rundown, there actually be some nice parts like the neighborhoods right south of the north amity town pool off albany ave, these parts are very flashy and extravagent. north amity got it’s issues but it aint as bad as its made out to be
woman: let’s go to amityville
husband: which part?
if you’re trying to get away from all of the bullsh-t of big city living then this imfamous longisland town is perfect. amityville is a unique community where everyone either knows or is related to eachother. here, the people are involved and very active but just mellowed enough to teach their kids how to enjoy life. surrounded by worlds of diversity, m-ssapequans in their oversized suv’s and posers who live in amity harbor, the people of this town manage to stay real. there are no “fakes” in amityville, other than the youth that run around in clothing too big for their bodies in an attempt to act thug, pretty much everyone has a good head on their shoulders. here the police allow parties to carry on late into the summer night and everyone knows they dont check id at the side door of local bars. the teenagers live in their own world of surfing, ball playing, pot smoking, beer chugging, pool hopping madness while the next generation takes notes in preparation for their reign over this small town. when it comes down to it everyone has their thing, weather it be athletic, musical or extreme. the white kids keep to themselves south of merrick road while everyone else stays north of the village. in amityville parents always b-tch about the bad school system and no one ever has the b-lls to suggest a seperate school for the kids from the north part so they waste good money on expensive private education where most of the kids from the south part go. everyone knows that if private school kids went public, no town would be safe because amityville’s strongest point is its youth. the kids here are very smart and the baseball team would win alot more games if private schoolers went there too. but all things happen for a reason. without this seperation there would be no rivalry between public and private and those pick up games at the high school wouldnt mean anything towards bragging rights. the adults know how to have their fun too, after all who do you think we learned all our tricks from. so don’t be afraid if your a kid in this town. just follow in the footsteps of your older brother or sister and ask mom and dad for that party because odds are they will wind up just as drunk as you when the night is done. so bust your -ss in the gym, get that morning treat at 711 or wait in line forever at the bagel store, go to the beach on sunday with the rest of the town, run from the cops on halloween and fourth of july, eat until it hurts at mikes, play wiffle ball on a field of garbage cans, lawn chairs, bushes and telephone poles, have a party in your back yard and go smoke down at richmond docks, go to bed at 4 in the morning and wake up the next day to do it all over again. sleep, wake up, work out, go to work, eat, party and sleep. this is the cycle of life in our town. sounds pretty d-mn good to me.

…and oh yeah dont enjoy yourself too much sat-rday night because everyone and their mother will know by 7 o’clock sunday morning.
“do you know where that amityville house is?”
– “yeah turn around and go right on merrick road once you’re in m-ssapequa keep going”

“what’s that you’re drinking son?”
– “apple juice, officer”
“ok just remeber to throw out that cup when you’re done”

“can you turn the music down please…it’s 12 am”
– “you want a beer?”
“sure be down in a sec”

“when you’re done with your homework go to uncle mike’s and pick up my plate, then run over to aunt karen’s and talk to cousin jenna then go to grandma’s and feed her dog then cross the street to uncle jimmy’s and watch your little cousins”
– “but ma… why do we have 100 cousins and aunts and uncles and grandparents so close?”
“weird isn’t it”
some unusual quirk of a house, like a miswired light switch or unseen noise source like a loose attic fan that make a place seem haunted. usually a construction defect or something that is in need of servicing.

was uttered by a homeowner on the hgtv show “house detectives” when having them look over her house.
“and this is the ‘amityville’ light switch… the one on the left doesn’t seem to do anything but this one turns on both the hall and that one porch light over there…”
this town is made up of people who think they are “something”, however, in reality, they are perpetrating the fraud that they do represent “something.” that something amounts to what is now known as: surfing, drinking a lot of beer, playing beer pong, acting thug, smoking marijuana, and listening to good music. don’t be mistaken though, the north side of amityville is comparable to the south bronx, mostly on arbor day between the hours of 12:03am to 8:43pm. it is like any other town in some respects- there are the parts where the “cool” kids hang out, where the “potheads” hangout, where the “losers” reside and so on and so forth. the amityville police department can best be described as overly friendly, mostly due to the fact that everyone in the entire tri state area knows them and you can buy pba cards in 25 cent slot machines. “hey, if its in red cups, we cant do sh-t.” d-mn straight. carry on. “what’s that you’re smoking, marijuana? keep smoking, but might i bother to ask you where you acquired this green looking substance from?” people sometimes have a tendency to drive directly into 7-11s, drive on lawns while you sleep, driving while yelling slurs, driving while firing paintball guns at 14 year olds, and driving while asking and demanding where that “haunted house” might be. its gotten to that point where everyone that lives in amityville can give perfect directions, without smirking, to lead these tourists to the east side of guatemala. lastly, few species have been spotted residing in amityville. first we have the white kids (from the south part) trying to be thug. lets call this species “r-t-rded.” then we have the surfers, who are generally referred to as “posers,” and last but not least we have “hot girls.” wait. what? actually, they’re aren’t even that many hot girls living here. if you’re between the ages of 7 and 63 and looking for -ss, don’t come to amityville. go to m-ssapequa. its our “friendly” next door neighbor. (where std’s have been spotted traveling in packs of four with sonic the hedge hog-looking males off of montauk highway.) oh, and everyone knows what the undercover cop cars look like on halloween.
amityville is an experiment.