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the only place, besides d.c. where you could lose the entire worlds nuclear -rs-nal and not have it burn through the cr-p. there’s a reason they say: “there are two things to do in bakersfield, meth or drive away.”
normal person 1: so we’ve been in bakersfield an hour, we’ve done everything there is to do, and we have to options left ….. so……wana do meth?

normal person 2: no…

normal person 1: ok, let’s drive away

the famous bakersfield sign, welcoming people to this wonderful city for over 50 years.

downtown bakersfield
with a population of nearly a half million, it is the third largest inland city in california. g-d knows why, it’s a pretty horrible place, with summer (late may-late october) temperatures averaging in the high 90s and air quality that can practically disable you. winter is short and usually doesn’t get colder than 50 degrees in the daytime.

meth is as easily found as soda machines and getting drunk at parties in the middle of fields is a common friday night activity.

housing used to be dirt-cheap, but as of recently it’s increased drastically. statistics show that every single day 10 people from la move into bakersfield.

ridiculously, there is only one real shopping mall (valley plaza) so at any given time it is too crowded to take a breath.

much of the population are mexicans that hop the border and invade town then clog the streets protesting their “deserved rights” when they are not even citizens.

areas of town are sort of defined by the high schools: south high (southside), east high (eastside) {don’t walk the streets at night because you will get stabbed by a mexican gang}, north high (north) {a.k.a. oildale- which isn’t a city in itself, just a name for the trailer park/white trash part of town], west high (west) {if you want to get shot, eat at a taco bell}, ridgeview high {out in the middle of f-cking nowhere}. then there are the sn-bby, rich schools around the northwest/southwest part of the city such as centennial high, liberty high, and stockdale high. liberty is home to the hottest, most shallow kids in the whole city. if you’re not good-looking, you’re invisible.

friday night high school football games rule many kids’ lives. if you’re not a jock, then you’re going to be pretty f-cking bored and will resort to devoting your life to the “hxc!” music scene. (scene kids in bakersfield are known to be pretentious jerks.) you will spend your every waking moment in the sweaty, roach-infested bas-m-nt of jerry’s pizza watching sh-tty local bands lose their voices.
summer’s started.. looks like we won’t be stepping foot outside for the next five months. bring me a bud light and a pack of camels!

kid 1 “i just moved to bakersfield. do you know where i can score some ice?”
kid 2 “dude, just stand at a corner and someone will come up to you and ask you to buy.”

kid 1 “you’re going to the mall in bakersfield?? don’t you know there was a shooting there a month ago?”
kid 2 “yeah, there’s not really any other choice. i’m bored as h-ll and there is no other decent f-cking mall in the entire city.”
why trust air you can’t see? the unbearable heat during the day adds to deliquency society as people prefer midnight outings and cow-tipping. from gang members to cowboys you will see a variety of “culture” the armpit of california is home to cheap living, suburbia mixed with random farms, and drastically changing geographics every year, as (for some reason) people keep moving there.
“man it’s hot as h-ll-wait…”
a really sh-t place where the air is as clean and pure as paris hilton
bakersfield. why bother?
a city in central california, roughly 150 miles northeast of los angeles. it suffers from a lack of culture, backwards politics, and extremely hot temperatures.

it is the definite area at which the zombie apocalypse will begin.
hick from oildale: i love bakersfield. i’m going to live here forever, smoking meth and sitting on my -ss all day.

me: you do that buddy. you’re going to be a zombie anyways.
the closest thing to texas you are going to get in california. rent here is one the cheapest in california. land is very affordable here.

it is an hour and half away from los angeles and the central coast, and is thirty minutes to an hour away from the mountains.

it’s boring as f-ck unless you like riding dirtbikes, farms, oilfields, 4-wheeling, going to concerts, shows, the kern county fair, swimming, drinking, or doing drugs.

high quality methamphetamine can be found in any trailer park and is a very popular drug of choice here. it has the same air quality as los angeles, can get up to 110 degrees during the summer, and has the highest rate of teen pregnancy and stds in the country.

girls are hot here but they get around like hula hoops and will get pregnant and have your kids to receive welfare benefits and child support.

liberty high, stockdale high, centennial high, garces, and bakersfield high are the best high schools here.

colleges are bakersfield college and cal state university of bakersfield where t-to ortiz went to.

best neighborhoods to live in bakersfield is in the northwest and northeast.

neighborhoods you want to stay far away from is oildale and neighborhoods near and/or on cottonwood road and martin luther king blvd.

gangs here consist of various sets of crips that roll deep as f-ck claim east side, country boy crips on the south side, and west side crips. bloods are few in number. p-ck-rwoods are in oildale.
1.

dude 1) man bakersfield is so boring, im willing to try smoking meth.

dude 2). man i have a piezo at my house. we can get a twenty next door to your house.

dude 1) i never knew they slanged meth and i never knew you smoked meth.

dude 2) dude what do you expect? you live in a trailer park in oildale.

2.

dude 1) man bakersfield hit 107 degrees today, thank god everybody wants to chill at my chillbox ( pad with bomb -ss ac) and smoke meth cuz i have the coldest ac on the block.

dude 2). lets cluck your ac for more meth.

dude 1). f-ck off that ac is my saddle, lets go steal someone’s dirtbike instead.

dude 2) naw lets go rob a house instead.

dude 1) i think i need to lay off this dope.

3.

dude 1). at least bakersfield has a chill downtown. i can pre-game at the alley cat and walk to rabobank arena to go see kottonmouth kings perform.

dude 2). yeah next week they are going to have a monster truck show. im going there spun as f-ck and grab me a tweaker hoe.

dude 1) you and your f-cking meth habit smh.
a tweaker-infested, stretched-out town with overbearing heat located in the desert of central california. for having about as gross of nature as rosie o’donnell’s sweaty crotch, bakersfield has almost half a million victims to it’s polluted, gang-infested sh-t-hole. it is rumored that once you move there, you never can escape it’s magnetic pull, and your life will never reach its full potential.
“i heard that my drug dealer moved to bakersfield from l.a. now i have to find a new contact. shouldn’t be too hard.”
a large city filled with people who have too much town pride for the disgusting sh-thole they live in. the air can give you lung fungus, and females cannot walk five feet down union street without being accosted by fat, h-rny mexicans in search of a good time. the population continues to grow because of the plentifulness of weed and meth, bringing in at least ten immagrant drug addicts from la everyday. it’s unbearably hot in the summer because this is, indeed, h-ll, and bitingly cold in the winter because satan is cheap and never pays the heating bill so pg&e gets p-ssed and shuts off the heat. if you should ever have the misfortune of coming here, stay far away from oildale unless you wish to have you nostrils -ssaulted by the scent of weed and taco meat.
girl: hey we’re in bakersfield
boy: sh-t….. i always knew i was going to h-ll

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