Charva

these strange species can seem perfectly harmless until they are placed in their natural habitat. if there is a silverbacked charva who is superior to everyone as he has the latest scooter alb-m, the other charvas will form a protective ring around him.
these scourge plague the streets of most cities, but most of all newcastle. the male of the species will have short spiked hair, and will pretend their voice is deep years before it has broken, which appears to be an effective mating call. the female of the species will wear truckloads of makeup and huge (often plastic) earrings the size of the millennium wheel. if temperatures are below -5 degrees c, they will feel inclined to wear a mini skirt which barely covers their hips (see also: micro skirt)
when the male and female of the species meet, the male will put on a burbry cap to seem more attractive. within an hour the two will have engaged in unprotected s-x and whoops!…there goes another teenage pregnancy, another sc-m bag to pay for in our taxes!
charvas will also force themselves to start smoking at the age of about 12, which is a sign that they are “hard” or “belter”.
any human verbal interaction with these vermin will result in an absolutely moronic response such as “hew man you f-cking daft c-nt!” when asked to rephrase their inadequately worded statement, the same, only slightly more angry response is thrown at you.
no other ‘race’ other than their own is acceptable. any goths, punks, skaters or grungies are renamed to “tree huggers” or “hippys”. they do not have the brain cells to understand that they are infact the worst scourge of this planet!
lastly, they will start fights with anybody that’s smaller than them, to try and make themselves feel highly superior, and to try and impress the opposite s-x. the long long list could go on forever.
to sum it up, these spangle stained hooligans are a dire example of darwin’s “survival of the fittest” and are a complete waste of sp-ce, carbon lifeform, and tax payers money!
look! there’s some charvs! where’s that nitroglycerin i prepared earlier?
an intellectually inferior specimen often found in large herds, or parliaments, on street corners swigging cider or other cheap, alcoholic beverages accross newcastle and the north east. can be identified by horizontally striped (hooped) jumper, burbery cap and obscenely overpriced rockport boots. are racist, h-m-phobic, and fearful of any person or persons with an intellect surp-ssing that of a pencil. express fear and feelings of inadequacy through violent outbursts, normally aimed at innocent p-ssers by. favourite pastimes consist of drinking cider, smoking, har-ssing members of the public, taking drugs, shoplifting, signing on, and burning cars. thay have a limited vocabulary which mainly consists of phrases somewhere along the lines of:- “lend,s a taaaab”, “got ennie shnout” and “hu the f-ck you lucking at”. particularly inarticulate. highest concerntrations can be found inhabitting the council estates of newcastle. when left to their own devices, they breed.
f-cking charva b-st-rds!
if you are out walking one fine day in the north east of england, often meadowell or percy main, you may notice one or two strange things. one is the charva…
how to spot a charva:- males

an incredibly stupid species, the male charva is no smart guy. his main aims in life are to get laid, buy a car and become builder. in high school the charv male will spend his weekends walking round the streets of tynemouth or cullercoats (or anywhere which he does not belong) cluttering up the place and making it look untidy. he will pick fights with people who are ususpecting and innocent and will make a point of choosing people who go to a school he does not like. after becoming severly drunk on three litres of ice dragon (cider) he will then begin to smash up anything and everything within reach. once he hits college the male charva will buy or more than likely steal a car and then spend his weekends crusing around in that. the car must be a corsa, have strobes attatched to it and it must have music blaring out of all windows at full volume. they then proceed to the sea front in packs of 100 where they continue to drink (they have to beacuse otherwise they would notice how minging the l-sses were). the attire is standard through out the charva family. a fake burberry cap worn at 90 degrees to the head, a stripey jumper of the fred perry sort and any type of tracksuit bottom. however a berghaus and a pair of rockports are a neccesity!
how to spot a charva: females…
the girls are easier to spot as they never keep there mouths closed for long! they can always be heard screaming at the top of their lungs in the boots make up department, on the metro or anywhere in north shields as they smack their two year old kids they had when they were 14 and complain about their mothers/boyfriends/teacher/everything.
their dress is simple, a skirt (which never stays on for long anyway) a stripey jumper, fishnet tights, rockports and a berghaus! they spend their weekends riding in cars with incompetent d-ck heads who are four years older than them, drinking bottles of bella, or on giro days, lambrini and making more babies with a guy they hardly know whos nickname is ‘knife’.
if you hear any of the following please head for your nearest police station or mental health ward. alternatively you can use some of the follwing comebacks. (warning: some of these may result in your immidiate admittance to hospital with a two litre bottle of ice dragon stuck down your throat)

charv-whar leek!” you-“eh?”
charv-“wot yee looking at?!” you- “i dont know but its looking back”
charv-“ahm gonna bray ya allover!” you- well could you get on with it then because im late for my judo lesson”
charv-“look theres tha sea! can ya swim?” you-“can you?”
charv-“arh yee looking at me l-ss!” you-“fortunatley not!”
in-depth definition, part one:
charva – noun, usually the name given to the swine-hordes of unwanted b-st-rd children who make up approximately one quarter of the native newcastle population. the word is constructed through the corruption of the term charmless vagrant. their numbers are maintained by the inbreeding of charvae at approx 14 years old, which results in accidental pregnancy and produces the next generation of unloved barking cabbages. because of the rapidly shrinking gene-pool that creates charvae, vital dna-codes are being lost and quality is being dumped in favour of quant-ty. the prospects of being taught to use their brains, of being educated, of making a contribution to history, of earning money, of learning at least one skill, of manipulating their environment, of producing art or of ever being possessed of self-esteem are woefully low and this means that we all feel a strong pathos for charva under-fives. the charva learning curve is actually unique in the whole world, peaking as it does at 6 years old. this is mirrored in their physical development, which hits a ceiling of about 5 feet 5 inches for males and 4 feet 9 inches for charvettes, occasionally delivering us a towering giant of 5 foot 10. if they reach 14, then the whole cycle will repeat itself in an ever-growing downward spiral. because of this accelerated procreation rate, charva girls are actually beginning to be born pregnant.
‘charva girls are actually beginning to be born pregnant.
primarily originated in the ne of england esp. newcastle, the charva occupies the bottom rung of the social ladder, characterised by a love of garish sportswear, cheap jewelry and dyson hoovers. houses chacracterized by wallpaper stripey on top, flowery on bottom, separated by dado rail, with a ceiling fan. toon army wallpaper in bedroom. tasteless but expensive sofa, widescreen tv and dvd on 20 year credit. citrus coloured toaster and kettle. holiday in tenerife. profoundly inarticulate.
how pet, there`s two charvas in the back lane. fetch us me gun, will yu?
in-depth definition, part nine:
charvae should not be mistaken for geordies, who are a n-ble, radical and propsperous people. neither should they be mixed up with other poor or low-income people in general, or with well-meaning people with learning difficulties who try their best. charvism is in fact a very distinct form of social disease and a good way to imagine charvae if you do not live in newcastle is to think of remedials from school, then imagine them interbreeding in cl-ss rather than learning to read. testament to the other geordies’ will to help lift charvae above their wretched, hopeless status was the wonderful ‘let’s take a charva much, much farva’ campaign of 2001, which helped to raise over £63,000 for this unfortunate forgotten group. the campaign would still persist today with the famous ‘help a charva today – they can’t help themselves’ t-shirts, but all of the kindly donated money was p-ssed up the wall paying for tabs, pizza and sky once it had been ch-r-d from the campaign headquarters by charvae.
the best way to upset a charva is to laugh at their poor clothes and unfortunate looks and the best way to destroy one is either to get them beaten up by a h-m-s-xual goth in front of a laughing crowd of children, to paint ‘nonce’ right across the front of their house or to post their addresses in airports as havens for asylum seekers. the ultimate fate of all charvae is to be left on earth to devolve back into the dark ages of random low-tech warfare, while the rest of humanity takes to the stars.
despite being the pathetic, doomed, non-achieving cracker-sp-wn of multiple generations of unwanted children, charvae do have value, as they are walking, breathing examples of the importance of birth control.
a good way to imagine a charva if you haven’t seen one is to think of remedials from school, then imagine them interbreeding in cl-ss rather than learning to read
in-depth definition, part two:
charvae are distinct in physicality even when naked, because of their lank, gaunt, slight appearance and the look of borrowed flesh, hanging slightly loose from their bones due to their peculiar dietary habits, which lead to acute malnourishment. this gives their skin a kind of thin, translucent quality and what charvae might think of as their six-pack is actually their lower rib-cage, lending them a particularly whippet-like form. charvae posture while clothed is still conspicuous and features numerous defects – bandy legs, bent backs and an ugly asymmetric swagger when in motion, due to one hand of the male being down their sh-ll-suit bottoms and the hands of the female constantly pulling theirs up. the charva food-cupboard that sustains these frail bodies
comprises tinned hot-dogs, baked beans, pasta’n’sauce (for the posher ones) and may even stretch to a packet of dairylea, all bought in mountainous bulk on giro day from netto (or maybe morrisons if they’re walking home). the charva att-tude to food seems to be ‘if it doesn’t come in a tin, its bad for you’, while fresh vegetables and fruit are considered to be ‘for nonces’. white cider is the chosen beverage, which is taken several times a day at intervals, with cl-ss b drugs for added interest. celebratory splash-out meals are had from time to time, when charvae ‘get raj’ at mcdonalds then get mortal drunk on a fine wine, such as lambrini, at about 2 o’clock in the afternoon. this is often the time when both male and female charvae will p-ss in a crowded shopping street; it is also when the males will exhibit their tiny genital sets for supposed comic effect, only to be met with a sympathetic silence.
the charva att-tude to food seems to be ‘if it doesn’t come in a tin, its bad for you’