governmentium
the heaviest chemical element yet known to science. governmentium (gv) has 1 neutron, 12 -ssistant neutrons, 75 deputy neutrons, and 224 -ssistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic m-ss of 312.
these 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quant-ties of lepton-like particles called peons. since governmentium has no electrons, it is inert. however, it can be detected as it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. a minute amount of governmentium causes one reaction to take over four days to complete when it would normally take less than a second. governmentium has a normal half-life of three years; it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the -ssistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places.
in fact, governmentium m-ss will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause some morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.
when catalyzed with money, governmentium becomes administratium–an element which radiates just as much energy as governmentium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.
“oh my g-d–don’t touch that!! it’s governmentium. my cousin sal drank some mixed with tang when he was a kid, and now he’s a lawyer.”
“aiiighhhhh!!!!!”
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