Hitlerbine Day

/hit-ler-bye-n/; noun. origin: the term has german roots, the tradition can be traced throughout human history.

this term refers to april 20th of each year. april 20th was the day of hitler’s birth as well as the day the columbine m-ssacre occurred in 1999. in other words, this is a pretty hateful day for humanity. that’s right, the day itself just really hate-y. many ancient texts suggest that the stars align just right on april 20th and it brings out the mean side of just about everybody.

in light of this very scientific fact, hitlerbine day celebrators embrace this day by doing something mean, that they would never otherwise do. this is a way of releasing the small (though it seems large to the average celebrator of the holiday) amount anger bottled up inside, so that you don’t become crazy enough to do actually awful things like the guys mentioned above.

in other words…this is the one day a year you can be jerk to that person you really can’t stand.

that ex who cheated on you – does his car really need air in the tires? that random guy who commented something rude on your picture – why not message his wife that your pregnant with his child? that kid who bullied you in elementary school – he still lives two blocks over and glitter is impossible to get out of gr-ss. you would never? you’re not that kind of person? don’t be silly. its not you, its h-tlerbine day.

don’t miss another year.
former acquaintance: “uh, did you smear hard boiled eggs on all of my car windows?”

you: “what? that is ridiculous. why would i do such a thing? its not like you are the biggest -sshole in the world or anything.”

former acquaintance: “wow. i never thought you would actually do anything about me being a terrible human being!”

you: “normally i wouldn’t, but its h-tlerbine day, and guess the spirit of the day just came over me. i hate you.”