Human Resources

the sort of people who, when considering cvs of job applicants, remove from the list people who are better than them, just to protect their jobs. devious evil sc-m, who are in personnel or human resources because they have f-cked up every other job, f-cked the general manager or both.
the sort of people who, when considering job applicants to run post-invasion iraq, would consider saddam hussien, fidel castro or robert mugabe, as a) they all hold doctorates. b) “have relevant experience and contacts.” c) have done the job before.
6 more definitions
the ugly chicks that fire you for f-cking with the great looking chicks.
the department within a business responsible for the progression of the company through people management. usually hated by employees at lower levels due to managers p-ssing on their dirty work i.e disciplinaries, firing and redundancies.
manaer to employee:
don’t worry jack, i’m the best manager in the world and i’ll make sure you won’t lose your job.

manager to human resources rep:
this jack guy is a liabilaty. i need to get rid of him, will you dismiss him for me.

jack to his friends:
my manager was great. he did everything he could to save my job but hr fired me. f-cking pr-cks!
if a company is a house, then human resources is the septic tank; all the sh-t goes there. human resources, better known as hr, is the lowest place in a corporation’s hierarchy, although they make themselves important by gaining the ability to control who works and who doesn’t. to be a success in hr one must lose all trace of humanity and become a robot (becoming a wh-r- is also advisable.) to paraphrase willie nelson,”mommas, dont let your babies grow up to be hr drones, don’t let ’em be robots or wh-r-s or sl-ts, make ’em be robbers or car thieves and such…..”
when i was a child, i thought like a child, but when i grew up and started working in human resources, i knew i had lost my soul, and to appease my new gods i fired my best friend, my girlfriend, my brother, an iraqi war veteran with a silver star and a distinguished service cross, and the guy who saved me from drowning when i was a kid. what a good day’s work!!
used to be called personnel or the personnel department. when they renamed to human resources (a pompous new name for personnel!) everyone else called them human remains!
person a: why is the company in so much trouble?

person b: too many b-ms in human resources.

person a: don’t you mean human remains? (sn-gg-r)
the uncaring, self-centered, all”powerful” hierarchy of convergys
the “g-d’s” making important decisions which affect the lives of the employees who work under them, causing employees to become angered; they then hide behind locked doors, fearing for their lives, while providing nachos for the employees in the lunchroom to try and make peace
the gestapo arm of (inept) corporate middle management.

they enforce the law of the large corporate ladder in that you must not unintentionally threaten the job of anyone above you by outperforming them through hard work to deliver positive results for the organisation even if that hard work is necessitated by their inept-tude.

you must earn them their promotion first in order to “build relationships” so that they do not turn the corporate gestapo onto you for investigation into your behaviour (a witch hunt in which you are accused) where the outcome is that your bridge will ultimately be burned and the inept corporate middle manager will not be found out until after your bridge has been burnt and they have staved of their eventual sacking from the hard work you have done in order to ensure positive outcomes for the organisation.
employee: holy sh-t! this situation has led the organisation to be in a position where it cannot deliver to expectations.

manager: get it done richard!

employee: right on it sir/madam. you can count on me.

manager: thanks richard! human resources, please investigate richard the n-gg-r for not being in line with the mission and values of the organisation.

corporate gestapo: ya voll, herr middle manager. you can count on us – we know the law and we are the law. we will performance manage this m-f- because we are professionals.