Legal Research and Writing


a crucial lawyering skill best taught at high alt-tudes, in the foggy mountains of east asia, by an unremittingly cruel and forbidding sensei. the pupil should be forced to subsist only on a diet of insects and tree bark, must punch out memos until his or her fingers bleed, and must learn to live without sleep — permanently. whenever the pupil makes a mistake, he or she must be severely beaten with a bluebook to the point of unconsciousness.

the training will culminate in a series of near-impossible tests, which may or may not involve the following: fighting rabid panda bears; swimming across a mighty river while carrying a boulder; interviewing pretend clients; retrieving a precious jewel from each of the 94 federal judicial districts; dueling a demon to the death; and solving ancient riddles.
“do not mess with that guy. he learned legal research and writing from the legendary chu-han. i am so not even joking.”

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