Manhattan Free Shit Zombie

because they pay a fortune to share a one bedroom apartment with craigslist dipsh-ts, buy 15 dollar martinis and 5 dollar coffees, expensive shoes, clothes or “man bags,” many of the younger denizens of manhattan are usually broke. because of their penury, which they are loath to admit, this group will turn to free or very inexpensive events to kid themselves that they’re having a good time living in the overly expensive and neurotic sh-thole they call home.

use of websites like group on and meetup is common. when a free venue is found (free days at the museum, gratis concerts, movies and plays in the park, esoteric bullshsit lectures) they will turn into shuffling zombies, pack these venues to the rafters and squash any bit of fun you might have by inducing claustrophobia or annoying you with their “got to crowd every little bit of experience into my fabulous life” insanity. when you see these people waiting on lines a block long they look like something out of a george romero film.

shooting these zombies though the head, although the preferred zombie eradication method, will usually lead to incarceration in a penal inst-tution. avoidance is the best tactic. and the only way to steer clear of manhattan free sh-t zombies is to go to events and venues that charge a fee. any event with a price tag of over twenty dollars is usually sufficient to repel them.
dylan – “say, you want to go to the guggenheim and check out the new exhibit? they don’t charge admission on sunday night.”

roger – “f-ck that sh-t. the place will be crawling with manhattan free sh-t zombies. lets go have dinner at a nice restaurant instead. they can’t afford that.”

sally – “want to go to governor’s island and catch that free reggae concert?”

hilary – “free sh-t. must have…….”