musicology

the study of the history of music, but having no relationship to music itself. it is usually studied at the graduate level by inept performers and -n-l-retentive, s-xually-repressed, multi-lingual, shutins. it is an equivalent discipline to art history, except for the fact that you will never see a musicology show on pbs, nor will you ever see a musicologist interviewed on television. musicology is the study of boring, obscure facts tangentially related to the lives and works of (mostly unknown) composers in the western european high-cultural tradition.
1. music is to musicology as science is to scientology.

2. musicology ph.d. student: “did you know that joseph matthias kracher was on friendly terms with michael haydn?”
intelligent human: “big f-cking deal! who cares?”
musicology ph.d. student: “well, kracher wrote two settings of the ‘te deum.’ what have you done to contribute to the advancement of western civilization?”
intelligent human (grabbing student’s throat and choking him to death): “this!”
musicology ph.d. student: “gakkkkqq!!!”
something that korean people made up so that they could do something in music that doesn’t require creativity.
samantha wants to go into musicology – no but really, she has no idea what to do with her life.
the study of the history of music, very often focused on western music. you must be a skilled musician with a performance background and knowledge of music theory to study musicology. musicians in america typically study musicology at the graduate level (masters and phd). with a degree in musicology you can pursue a career working for a music library, become a music professor, or become a better educated musician. the field of musicology is highly intellectual, very impractical, but can be a lot of fun. in recent years musicologists have begun to study the meaning of music. this is a really cool development which merges the field of musicology with the fields of philosophy, psychology, and linguistics to name a few. the study of musical meaning asks questions like, “why listen to sad music if it makes you feel sad?” and “why and how does music influence our emotions?”
college senior: “hey! i heard you’re a music major and you like history. are you going to go to grad school for musicology?”
music major: “no way! i’m not that intense about music. also, i want a job when i graduate. if i’m really rich when i retire then i’d love to get an ma in musicology, but not now.”
a study or rough guess-timate of how music was played before the time of any public record. musicians and composers alike study musicology for ideas on performance practice and to learn about their ancestors. ways musicology is studied include: mysticism, speculation, and estimation. these speculations are then used to influence musical performances today. (see examples)
scholarly choral director: “thank you to all 60 of you for joining this handel choir. to get a better handle on handel, we must cut the group down to 16 because that’s how it was performed when handel was alive do to how musicology has taught us.”
tenors: “we can sing the female parts”
scholarly choral director: “excellent. ladies, that will be all see you next year. musicology is practicology i always say.”

sarah brightman: “if i sing like a boy soprano for this requiem, that makes performance correct right?”
maestro: “if you sing it in tune and without your wobble. the musicologists would much enjoy it.”

anna netrebko: “i read a singing for dummies book that says opera singers must sound older. should i sing like that to be historically correct when singing l’orfeo?”
musicologist: “yes…the neo-expressionism of the blah blah–somewhere on a train to hackensack…the dividend of 42…later that evening when i arrived home…musicologist of the week….and that is why opera singers should sound mature.”
anna netrebko: “i’m so glad it’s okay to sing really far back in my throat so that i sound more mature and no one understands a word i’m saying!!”