new ager

1. a modern day hippie, who follows the new age movement. they believe in energy bodies, the power of rocks or crystals, predetermination, reincarnation, personal vibration levels, a higher self, channeling, and dna activation.
2. a person who is “spiritual, not religious”. they often are struggling with some deep psychological, mental, or emotional abnormality, and looking to use the new age movement as a way to avoid confronting the truth about themselves.
3. a person who is a grown wounded child, suffering from childhood abuse, neglect, or bullying, who seeks acceptance around others with the same problem, by embracing new age beliefs.
4. a person who believes that a channeler can talk to spirits of dead people.
5. a person who believes that a spiritual guru can predict the future, even tell them the year they’re going to die.
6. a person who believes that the ultimate goal in life is to attain “spiritual enlightenment”.
7. a person who believes that the “ego” is bad and a barrier to spiritual enlightenment.
8. a person who thinks that an “intuitive” psychic can tell them how to live their lives, which areas of the world they should focus on, what careers to pursue, and even who is suitable as a mate.
9. a person who believes that the universe hears only the good things that we say.
10. a person who takes hallucinatory drugs to pretend to have an “out of body” experience, as proof that they are on a deeper level of consciousness than everyone else.
person: hey, what are you doing with that gl*ss of water.
new ager: i’m repeatedly telling it in as many ways as i can, that i love it. applying loving emotion to water changes its molecular structure, which makes it better water. i plan to pour it into the san francisco bay to benefit the water in the bay.

person: hey, why are you in such a rush to doing things?
new ager: when i was younger, a guru told me that i will die when i’m 68, so i’m living my life to that timeline.

person: how’s your mom?
new ager: she’s struggling because she’s sick and elderly. i wish i could be there to help her, but i live too far away. i remotely raised her energy body so that should help.

person: hey, what happened overnight that made you suddenly so distant? i thought we were good friends.
new ager: well, i consulted with my higher self last night, and changed my mind about you since you aren’t willing to become a new ager.

person: isn’t that a coincidence how we met?
new ager: it’s all part of the grand scheme by the parallel universe. nothing is random. as long as we stay in the present, we won’t miss clues to help us along our spiritual path towards enlightenment.
person: what the h*ll ?
new ager: here, read this book by eckhart tolle. it will explain how i think and raise your vibration level.

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