Northwestern

an amazing university found in evanston, illinois. is in the big 10. colors: purple and white. mascot: wildcats.

it is considered a “midwest ivy” and ranks on us news as the number 11 top undergraduate university in the us.
go northwestern wildcats!
a corrupt 4a high school located in rock hill, south carolina. known best for its stuck up kids, rotc teacher, and stupid policys. also has the lowest pregnancy rate in the district.
me: hey, what are you doing today?

you: going to school, man.

me: oh yea? what school do you go to?

you: northwestern..

me: dude. i’m sorry.
but at least you’re not pregnant.
northwestern university is a private four-year college located in evanston, illinois. despite a location mere miles from chicago, the average nu student only makes the trip downtown to get hammered drunk, usually at a concert, club, or cubs game, although sometimes at a chicago cultural inst-tution like the field museum.

the student body is divided among three social strata. first, fraternity and sorority members that are for some reason much more popular at nu than they ever hoped to be in high school, and eager to flaunt their newfound social superiority. second, mccormick tryhards that will never touch a drop of alcohol in their college career despite achieving lower gpas than perpetually-wasted comm majors. third (and most prominently), the great unwashed m-ss of students who do the bare minimum cl-sswork necessary, get drunk on weekends and wonder why they aren’t hooking up with anyone without ever actually attempting a kiss.

athletically, northwestern’s wildcats tend to fare well in sports that only the players’ relatives care about, such as women’s lacrosse and tennis. interestingly, these sports are scandal-pr-ne. in any given year, one may find pictures of scantily-clad northwestern female athletes wearing thongs — of either kind — gracing the pages of the internet. revenue sports (football and basketball) remain poor year after year, despite being the only events students actually care about.

northwestern is famous for its graduates who have gone on to pursue careers in showbusiness, and many students come to nu with interests in the arts. unfortunately only 1/100 of these students actually make money upon graduation. the rest commit suicide or become strippers.

real cl-sses at northwestern (i.e., not school of comm) are relatively difficult, as the administration tries desperately to prove the school’s academic mettle by -ssigning too-low grades, ignoring the fact that no matter what, nu will never have a reputation on par with the ivy league schools it strives to emulate.
northwestern? is that that sh-tty school in boston?
a socially-ok 4-year college just north of chicago, il, usa. student body is composed of fair-to-poor athletes, dateless engineers-in-training, and those who are, for some reason, studying radio, television, and film. its women’s lacrosse team is well known for its footwear. not to put too fine a point on it: charlotte rae and david schwimmer went there.
you’ll laugh!
you’ll cry!
you’ll kiss $64k (in 1985 dollars) goodbye!
go u! nu!