sniveling anus syndrome

a very uncommon syndrome acquired from constant and rigorous wiping of the *sshole. most common symptoms include (but are not limited to): bleeding from the *n*s, discomfort when sitting down, a little voice coming from your rear end telling you to eat more chipotle, and uncontrollable desire to dress and act like joseph gordon-levitt did in 500 days of summer.
me: i just can’t stop bleeding from my *sshole doc.

doc: have you been watching 500 days of summer?

me:…what if i have?

doc: i’m afraid that you have sniveling *n*s syndrome.

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