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how to survive in swansea, an experienced womans guide to surviving the city!
if your a lady, to blend in with the rest, the first step is to smother your face in cheap dark brown / orange foundation (think david d-ckinson), only to your jaw line leaving your neck completely pale and white from having no sun all year round. the next step is to go to the local sunbed parlour, (can be found by driving on any road whithin the city for a period of 40 seconds) spend all your weekly dole money in the machine, hopefully getting you an average (swansea) session of 7 hours a day, leaving you feeling crisp and confident! the next step in life is getting pregnant, there are a few rules that you must stick to… 1) make sure you dont know who the father is, this is usually done by sleeping with whole of the bon-y-maen rugby team in 1 night. 2) make sure you claim maintenence for the child from every player (making sure the sunbed sessions are paid for). 3) make sure family housing get you a house close or idealy in the same street as you mother, therefore guarenteing a babysiter at all times. if your mother has already died of an overdose, you will be needing to get friendly with the neighbours (mandy & dai).
stick to those few rules and you sould be able to continue life as normal, burning your face and frying your hair until the age of 40, as soon as this time comes you are now ready to relive your missed youth by drinking wkd’s in lava-lounge with the rest of your same aged, same faced, loud screaming, slightly overweight single parent friends who all think its ok to wear the same thing as their 25 year old daughters. driving/car tips: do not under any circ-mstances consider driving onto the motorway, because a) it goes out of swansea. b) you probably dont have enough petrol in the car to come off at the neath exit. , make sure you check the following before setting off for the session in the morning: all playboy stickers / seat covers are present and correct, all 4 wheels have pink wheel trims fitted securely, also make sure the handbreak is off, its an all too common sight whithin the city to see girls unknowingly driving down the road with only the front 2 wheels in motion. the final and most important car tip is to always make sure the interior mirror faces.. you, not the car behind.
“he f-ckin left me the b-st-rd, i dont care a f-ck i dont need no man in my life, thank you very much, get out of my life and shut the door behind you! f-ckin b-st-rd… oh, he was a b-st-rd to me he was. ” “let me tell you something for nothing now sunshine” “f-ck off round your own place, you not from swansea you b-st-rd” “oooof if she did!”
there’s been a lot of nonsense written on this page.
swansea is a one very cool place with one of the finest international award winning maritime/waterfront developments in europe, stunning unrivalled parklands and a breathtaking golden coastline that became britain’s first designated “area of outstanding natural beauty”. the city has had over £100m invested in it in the last few years and includes the national waterfront museum and national (olympic) pool of wales. it’s got an exceptionally good nightlife, cuisine and culture. as for the ‘rough’ bits, and ‘run down’ bits that’s referred to by other people on this site, name any other city in britain that doesn’t have any of that? on the whole the quality of life in swansea is excellent. the quote that “swansea is the graveyard of ambition” refers to the fact that when strangers visit swansea they never want to leave. i left (for work purposes) a few years ago for the south east of england. give me swansea any day – which is why i travel 200 miles every weekend to come home to swansea.
swansea
steroid abuse capital of europe.
geographical and spiritual home of “spice-boys” – steroid abusers with mullets who spend even more time over their hair than an american news anchorwoman.
home to a stangely polarized mix of wonderful open-hearted people, complete c-nts, and not much in between
swansea is the only place outside of arkansas and turkmenistan where having a mullet is considered cool
better than cardiff, which is actually a sh-t hole.
person 1: should we go to swansea or cardiff?
person 2: swansea, at least we won’t get beaten to a pulp.
swansea best city in the world, has the best football team in wales and the best stadium to match (milennium stadium doesnt count as it is not the home of any football team)
sh-ts all over cardiff and cardiff city afc they are just a bunch of inbreds who fancy their cousins
swim away, swim away, swim away, swim away, swim away

cardiff city went to rome to see the pope, cardiff city went to rome to see the pope, and this is what he said, f-ck off!!!! whos that singing for the swansea, whos that singing for the swans, were the boys in black and white and we’re f-cking dynamite
a settlement populated by inbreds and gypos in the western areas if wales. swansea is well known as the drug and crime capital of wales. swansea is 90% made up of caravans. many people from swansea have odd deformities due to the inbred nature of its inhabitants.
hi, i’m from swansea. i live in a caravan, have six fingers and am about to have s-x with my sister.
firstly i wouldn’t really advise you to visit swansea.. it’s hardly h-ll, but i’ll admit it can be sh-t!

facts : it’s quite a small city in south west wales,
about just over half hour away from cardiff by car,

over all it’s not the worst place to live in the uk, it’s pretty safe & some people are ‘tidy‘ and have good manners if your nice to them.

..however it has very little to offer, like haven’t been no jobs for a while, so i wouldn’t advise to move here, and over the past 10 years the shops & clubs/pubs have gone very tatty and rough looking as everything is pretty much original there, but then again outside the city it’s self there are quite nice parts, e.g. mumbles & the gower, they both offer nice scenery i guess, & tourists do go here, you can go also surfing down the gower, the waves aren’t that bad, but then again nothing special,

it’s not a very attractive city, but wind street always has something to offer it’s people if they are bored on a sat-rday night, and need a drink after work, however old you may be, and it‘s usually pretty busy & full of people from neath & llanelli also.

you’d be very lucky to meet someone with a full-time job in swansea,
most people there work 2-3 silly shifts a week, and claim a benefit or maintance or dole of some sort, & they claim to be too ‘ill’ to work and likely to be single parents, it‘s pretty bad here for teenage pregnancies.. one of the worst places in the uk actually.

i wouldn’t say it’s known for violence, & could be worse on drugs, it’s around, but it’s pretty discreet, but if you do want drugs try the high street..

another bad point is it’s well known for car thieving in parts of swansea, you be lucky to keep your wheel trims for a year & un-vandalised..

people who were born and raised in swansea, can either have a very sweet settled slightly welsh sounding accent or sound so incredibly rough.. depends on if you were raised to speak like a ‘mush’.

& most of the guys who live here, take a lots of steroids, & the girls always are caked from chin to forehead in foundation usually three shades to dark for them, and have terribly d.i.y. layered hair, which most girls have they’re hair coloured jet black or burgundy or highlighted, also many people deny the fact they use a sun bed 3-4 times a week. again & in denial some of the lads use them too to achieve this ‘spice boi’ look..

swansea for you in a nutsh-ll..
in convo:

‘i can’t wait for my gyro to come through, we can all go out and get p-ssed down windstreet with dai,eddy & gareth!

then f-ck knows, where we’ll end up in swansea, defatti flats do ya?

”i said oh mush f-ck off who do you think you are
don’t you look at me like that i’ll do your f-cking car
i said oh mush, f-ck off who do you think you are
don’t you look at me like that i’ll do your f-cking car

so i’m standing there picking up my teeth when the landlord comes around
oh you little b-st-rd he said you owes me 40 pound
he throws me up against the wall and tries to grab my giro
so i kicked the b-st-rd in the b-lls and stabbed him with my biro and said oh mush f-ck off who do you think you are don’t you look at me like that i’ll do your f-cking car i said oh mush f-ck off who do you think you are
you money grabbing b-st-rd, i’ll do your f-cking car. ” (8)

often sang by annoying little chavs around swansea.

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