West Virginia Sauce
ranch dressing in a little white plastic dipping cup, referred to by west virginians as a “sida raanch”. quickly outpacing all other condiments in sales, popularity, and causes of emergency room visits. uses include: dipping for french fries, onion rings, cheese sticks, buffalo wings, pizza crust, in place of mayo on sandwiches, dip for the last few bites of your cheeseburger, and (although rarely) as dip for fresh vegetables or on salad. failure to supply ranch at a family gathering often results in estrangement. forgetting the “sida raanch” when waiting tables is the ultimate kiss of death for gratuities.
bob: hi, i’m bob, i’ll be your waiter today. what can i get you to drink?
verna: i’ll have some c-ke. oh, and a side of ranch dressing.
tom: i’ll have coffee. and we’d like to order your sampler platter, with some ranch dressing.
bob: would you like cream with your coffee?
tom: no, just some ranch dressing will be fine. thanks.
governer manchin: “due to continued, sustained sales increases, popularity among the people of west virginia, and general deliciousness, i declare ranch dressing to be hereby known as ‘west virginia sauce’. i am recommending that we reinvest all teacher’s retirement funds into kraft foods and hidden valley, and implementing a ranch curriculum in our junior high schools to prepare young west virginians for their futures in food service.”
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