arizona – it’s the devil’s playground

the devil wanted a place on earth, sort of a summer home, a place to spend his vacation, whenever he wanted to roam.
so he picked out arizona, a place both wretched and rough, where the climate was to his liking, and the cowboys hardened and tough.
he dried up the lakes in the valley, then burned and scorched it all, he dried up the streams in the canyons, and ordered no rain to fall.
then over this barren desert, he transplanted shrubs from h-ll, the cactus thistle and pr-ckly pear, the climate suited them well.
now the home was much to his liking, but animal life he had none, so he created crawling creatures, that all mankind would shun.
first he made the rattlesnake, with its forked poisonous tongue, taught it to strike and rattle, and how to shallow its young.
then he made scorpions and lizards, and the ugly old horned toad, he placed spiders of every description, under the rocks by the side of the road.
then he ordered the sun to shine hotter, hotter and hotter still, until even the cactus wilted, and the old horned toads looked ill.
then he gazed on his earthly kingdom, as any creator would, he chuckled a little, rolled up his sleeves, and admitted it was good.
t’was summer now and satan, lay by a pr-ckly pear to rest, the sweat rolled off his sweaty brow, so he took off his coat and vest.
“by golly”, he finally panted, “i did my job to well, i’m going back to where i came from, arizona is hotter than h-ll!”

it doesn’t get any better than arizona :).
you know you live in arizona when:

you buy salsa by the gallon.
all of your out-of-state friends start to visit after october but clear out come the end of april.
you think someone driving while wearing oven mitts is clever.
most of the restaurants in your town have the first name “el” or “los.”
you think six tons of crushed rock makes a beautiful yard.
you notice your car overheating before you drive it.
your house is made of stucco and has a red clay tile roof.
you can say hohokam(?hohokam (ho-ho-ko’m) and people don’t think you’re laughing funny.
you no longer -ssociate bridges or rivers with water.
you see more irrigation water on the street than there is in the salt river.
you know a swamp cooler is not a happy hour drink.
you can say 120 degrees without fainting.
every other vehicle is a 4×4.
you can be in the snow, and then drive for an hour and it will be more than 100 degrees.
vehicles with open windows have the right-of-way in the summer.
you have to go to a fake beach for some fake waves.
people break out coats when the temperature drops below 70.
you discover, in july, it only takes two fingers to drive your car.
the pool can be warmer than you are.
you can make sun tea instantly.
people will drive over 100 miles just to see snow.
you run your air conditioner in the middle of winter so you can use your fireplace.
most people will not drink tap water unless they are under dire conditions.
people with black cars or have black upholstery in their car are automatically -ssumed to be from out-of-state or nuts.
you notice the best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance.
you realize valley fever isn’t a disco dance.
you can finish a big gulp in 10 minutes and go back for seconds.
the water from the cold water tap is the same temperature as the hot one.
you can (correctly) pr-nounce the words: “saguaro(?saguaro (suh-wa’r-o)
an arborescent cactus (carnegiea gigantea)
“tempe,” “gila bend,” “san xavier,” “canyon de ch-lly,” “mogollon rim,” “cholla,” and “ajo.”
it’s noon in july, kids are on summer vacation, and not one person is moving on the streets.
you actually burn your hand opening the car door.
sunscreen is sold year round, kept at the front of the checkout counter, a formula less than 30 spf is a joke, and you wear it just to go to the circle k.
some fool can market mini-misters for joggers and other fools will actually buy them.
hot-air balloons can’t go up, because the air outside is hotter than the air inside.
no one would dream of putting vinyl upholstery in a car.
you eat hot chilis to cool your mouth off.
you learn that a seat belt makes a pretty good branding iron.
the temperature drops below 95, you feel a bit chilly.
you discover that you can get a sunburn through your car window.
you break a sweat the instant you step outside at 7:30 a.m. before work.
your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, “what if i get knocked out and end up lying on the pavement and cook to death?”
you realize that asphalt has a liquid state.

this place feels like arizona
the only state where you can see asphalt in its liquid phase.
“dude why’d you just jump back like that?”
“sorry, i tried opening the car door. gotta love arizona.”
the best state of the 50 states in the united states. this is paradise on earth, everyone is welcomed. contrary to popular belief, arizona does have four seasons, sedona has winter, phoenix the summer, and the rest in between. this place is full of botanical gardens, cacti everywhere. everything is close from arizona, california is 4 hours away, and other states are close by. mexico is 4 hour drive, where no matter how old you are. unlike washington and oregon, it doesn’t rain as often as it does.
“the grand canyon, sedona, flagstaff, oh-my! it must be arizona”
the best state in the country to live in if you want to avoid natural disasters and horrible weather. there are parts of the state where it doesn’t go above 100 in the summer and it doesn’t go below 20 in the winter. the only bad weather you have to worry about is a bad thunderstorm with strong wind. there are no earthquakes, tornados, hurricanes etc…
california has earthquakes. the midwest has floods and m-ssive tornados. the southeastern states have hurricanes. the midwest, northwest, and northeastern states are below freezing all winter long. many have summers with 75-90% muggy and oppressive humidity. arizona has great weather all year round and is not pr-ne to any type of natural disaster.
the grand canyon state. arizona lies in the southwest region of the u.s., in the middle of the sonoran desert. as a result, arizona is known for its oppressive summer heat, dryness and strong sunshine. arizona is also home to the grand canyon and the most golf courses and resorts of pretty much anywhere else. phoenix is the capital and largest city, and 5th largest city in the us. about 6-million-plus people live in this already overpopulated state–most of whom need to move back where they came from–as the influx has hurt the quality of life.
arizona is known for the the desert, cactus, heat, sunshine, golf, resorts and migrant labor.
word used to signify defiance. this is seen in the sudden popularity of products with the word ‘arizona’ on them. having nothing to do with immigration necessarily, just opposition to federal government interference. this is used synonymously with ‘resistance’ and ‘states rights’. to be seen with arizona means you stand with anyone who believes the federal government has become too powerful.
first man to another man wearing ‘arizona’ t-shirt.
what do you think of president obama and congress?

2nd man – “i like arizona” “nuff said”

first man nods.


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