Aussie flatmate
a native of australia who joins your flat share and f-cks sh-t up. seems “quite sound” when you first meet, but as soon as their name’s on the contract sh-t starts to go wrong:
– multiplication: get home from work and your flat is full of aussies drinking lager, vomming in your toilet, and touching up bull dyk-s (known as sheilas). once aussies have multiplied in your house, it is v hard to get rid of them.
– sh-t banter: aussie banter is based on their supposed superiority to dumb yanks, boring poms, sheep sh-gging kiwis, and anyone with brown skin. still think they dominate most sports, despite this not being true.
– ramsay street kitchen nightmares: n-body in australia has any taste or knows how to cook. your kitchen will look like a load of 14-year-old boys moved in for a month. signs include stacks of empty beer cans, pizza boxes and the smell of w-nking coming from the sink.
– crime: aussies are descended from convicts. the country has been a hotbed of crime since the days of ned kelly, and your aussie flatmate is no different. as they have no taste (see above), they struggle to steal anything valuable, but your tv may get p-wned.
– the aussie goodbye: if you have managed to survive long enough to outstay your aussie flatmate, you’ll probably be treated to the aussie goodbye. the cl-ssic version is to leave without paying a major bill, several months’ rent, and with no forwarding address.
joe: hi brad, i’ve just got back from work. how was your day?
brad: i’ve been drinkin’ heaps of fackin’ beer you pommy c-nt!
joe: oh that’s good. i just noticed there’s a naked, overweight, sunburnt woman p-ssed out in my bed.
brad: haha yes mate, me and the boys spit roasted lisa. aussie aussie aussie. oi oi oi.
joe: f-ck, i hate having an aussie flatmate.
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