Big Maroon
a h-m-s-xual rapper from the waltham st lawrence area of berkshire. beginning his career in the late 1990s, big maroon released the now-legendary eps “marooned in men” and “bigger then mohammed” before using his tri-county notoriety to embark on a short-lived stint in london’s west-end. the andrew lloyd-w-nker musicals “aspects of l-st” and “joseph and his amazing technicolour television” were lauded by critics as “the most exciting evidence yet that man has sp-wned a half-ape half-human creature that can dance and sing, albeit while dislocating improper joints and dribbling a bit”. big maroon returned to rapping in 2005 with the entirely forgettable 5-track ep “maroon five”. the demo was seen as an effort to get back on track and secure a major-label alb-m deal, but hope was understandably quashed when emi, bmg, sony and time-warner all held a joint press-conference specifically to laugh at it.
he can now by found by googling the phrase “biggathanjesus”
kid 1: hey have you got that new big maroon cd?
kid 2: no my old ash-tray is still cool
kid 1: no i mean have you listened to his new sh-t?
kid 2: oh well i heard him on 1-xtra but from the sounds of it, they ran the accoustics of male-to-male p-ssion through a god-d-mn interpreting machine and then p-ssed on the speakers
kid 1: i thought it was alright?
-kid 1 is instantly gutted with a crow-bar in an unrealistically violent fashion-
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