bloomfield

bloomfield:the act of blowing a load with furious force into a girl’s bush and then scr-ping the load, such as tilling a field, with your teeth out of her bush.
i gave jim and joe’s mom a bloomfield
town in northern new jersey, neighboring newark, bisected by the garden state parkway, containing exits 148, 149, 150 and 151.

has all the benefits of a small town and all the benefits of a city, and few of the drawbacks of either. feels like about four small towns strung together, which would be the neighborhoods of brookdale, north broad, downtown and watsessing. notable for large irish and italian communities, and for stores and restaurants that have been run by individual families for generations. citizens have the legal right to punch you in the nose if you call their town a “suburb.” (not really, but they should!) in this town, they don’t have pasta salad and therapists, they have pasta and bartenders. munic-p-l building known for magnificent christmas lights display.

grove street is the “other end” of the newark city subway system. bus and train lines make it a convenient bedroom community for commuters to new york city. bus lines also provide easy access to newark, and the willowbrook and garden state plaza malls.

arch-rival is neighboring montclair, which can’t decide whether it wants to be upscale or ghetto fabulous. also bordered by nutley and glen ridge (both think of themselves as the former but really aren’t), belleville (not cl-ssy enough to be the latter), clifton (routes 3 and 46 going through it kind of makes up its mind for it) and east orange (if you’re not from there, do yourself a favor and don’t go).

the most popular sports team among bloomfielders is the new york giants, followed by the yankees, the new jersey devils, and, due to the catholic influence, seton hall university basketball. in comparison, the jets, mets, rangers and rutgers are far behind in bloomfield support.

contrary to the jersey stereotype, most bloomfielders are willing to admit that the eighties are over, guidos and ginkers are way out of style, big hair is no longer necessary for either gender, and hair metal sucked, except for jersey natives bon jovi. well, n-body’s perfect, not even bloomfielders.

bloomfield is home to holsten’s, a fine old-fashioned ice cream parlor that stood in as a diner for the closing scene of the final episode of the tv show “the sopranos.” any actual mob connections to the town appear to be strictly anecdotal, but just to advise youse, ya never know.
“what the h-ll are ya wearin’? a tracksuit? where do ya think ya are, belleville? come on! this is bloomfield! have some cl-ss, will ya?”

“you’re yellin’ at me about cl-ss? where do you think you’re from, montclair?”

“hey, hey, pal, that’s enough, you don’t have to get nasty here!”