Burlap Sack Condom

when you wanna bang some sl-t and can’t find a condom. so you run up the stairs to the living room and ask your grandma to knit you some protection. she doesn’t know what the h-ll you’re talking about, so you run out to the garage and dump all the potatoes out of the burlap sack that your grandpa keeps out there.

you grab some scissors and cut out a funnel-shaped piece and rush back down to the bas-m-nt where the sl-t is already waiting for you.

you wrap the burlap sack piece around your johnson and start moving towards her.

she freaks out and wakes up your whole household. the next weekend you’re moving into your own apartment and figuring out how to get a job.
conversation held in the bas-m-nt:

you: “alright baby, i got a condom. let’s get busy!”
her: “lando, how about little f-cking romance you piece of sh-t? ain’t you never been laid before?
you: “yeah, but you’re really hot and…
her: “wait wait wait! what the f-ck is that?”
you: “nothing. alright, you want some roman-”
her: “seriously, what the f-ck is that thing? let’s see that sh-t. what the f-ck? what is that wrapped around your d-ck?
you: “nothing.”
her: “bullsh-t.”
you: “ok, it’s a condom.”
her: “it is not, what is it?”
you: “fine, it’s a piece of burlap sack condom – listen, it’s the best i could-
her: “you crazy n-gg-r. do you really think that you’re gonna stick that f-cking potatoey-smelling, n-gg–brand nappy head motha-f-cking sh-t storm in my f-cking sn-tch? that’s it lando! you take your starwars cloud city mother f-cking self and get the f-ck off me. aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!”
grandma: “chile? wha-whas go’n on down thah? is you trying to f-ck one of them sl-ts down there again? charlie? get yo’ good fo’ nothing self down heah’ and see what yo’ lazy–ssed grandson is trying to do to the ho down in our house”
grandpa: “that’s it, lando. i’ve had enough of this. first you’re running around snortin’ cocaine and hittin the neighbours with lightsabers, and now this. out with ya. i want you out by morning!”