Captain Hentai
a kid who is so into hentai that he has actually been awarder the rank of captain of all hentai by the cyborg businessman, and entrusted with coordinating the various other lesser members of the hentai heirarchy in the school.
once the captain of all hentai has been identified, the only way to stop the spread of chaos and tentakelporr is to address him by his rank at all times (especially while in convenience stores and while the captain of all hentai is stoned) so that he cannot lure anyone else into allying with chaos, or try to sacrifice otaku virgins to yggdrasil proteus and slaanesh to try and bring his bootleg sailor moon p-rn to life or summon a tentacle beast or h-ll-kite. often, the captain of all hentai is aided in his battle against those who think tentakelporr is disgusting by various lower-ranking chaos cultists, as well as chaos constructs including infernal vending machines, posessed p-rno mags, chaos cr-pintoshes, t-680 terminators, bow freaks, and more rarely stygian ssd books, bigscreen dreadnoughts, abyssal arcade consoles, and possibly the cyborg businessman himself.
it is thought that addressing the captain of all hentai by his true name works on a similar princ-p-l to using a daemon’s true name to destroy it.
me: -getting snacks at rite-aid-
stefan: -stoned off his -ss, sneaks up behind me- oh, hey, what’s goin on?
me: -doesn’t want to fight off another squid, thinks fast- oh hey, captain hentai! how’s it goin, captain hentai?
gherel: -also thinks beating off to cartoons is dumb- caaaaaaaaptain hentai!
zach: -laughs -ss off at stefan because stefan has wet dreams about sailor moon-
stefan: noooooooooo! potator! -teleports back to blubbernaut’s d-ld- emporium-
security guard who looks like vanilla ice: hey! did that kid just steal that tub of hand lotion?!
security guard who looks and sounds like the missing link: yeah, he did! and look, he also took that issue of newtype with faye valentine on the cover!
fat-ss cashier with a crush on me for some reason: that b-st-rd!
zach: well, what do you expect? he’s the captain of all hentai!
fin
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