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chavs are r-t-rds who think that they’re rebels and also think that their local mcdonalds is a 5-star restraunt.

male chavs wear clothes and jewellry which come from a market, they have a att-tude problem and smoke since the age of 11.

female chavs wear tight trousers and when they sit down they’re thongs show, have fake blonde hair as straight as an ironing board or they have the “croydon face-lift”, they lost their virginity at the age of 14, they have a att-tide problem and they have really really bad teeth.

chavs also use stupid words such as “safe” or “mint” or “y’wot?” or “quali’ee” or my favourite “innit” what are they trying to say?, it’s like trying to communicate with a dog.

you usually find them in your local bus stop or your local town.
in my local area they’re are loads of chavs
picture this a young lad about 12 years of age and 4 ½ feet high baseball cap at ninety degrees in a imitation addidas tracksuit, with trouser legs tucked into his socks (of course, is definitely the height of fashion). this lad is strutting around, f-g in one hand jewellery al over the over, outside mcdonalds acting as if he is 8 foot tall and built like a rugby player, when some poor unsuspecting adult (about 17/18) walks round the corner wanting to go to mcdonalds for his dinner glances at the young lad, the young lad jumps up in complete disgust and says “whats your problem? wanna make sommin of it? bling bling” when the adult starts to walk towards the young lad, the young lad p-sses himself and runs off to either his pregnant 14-year-old girlfriend or his brother in the army crying his eyes out.
my mate has become a chav what can i do? answer is shoot him before it is too late
the male of the species, the ‘chav’, is often to be found lurking in braying packs close to fast food outlets or late night stores. it displays a distinctive livery with which it attempts to attract the female (‘chavette’) – most commonly, the burberry-effect baseball cap (placed at a jaunty angle, sometimes partially covering the face – this is known in some cultures as ‘snidey’); the ‘sports’ clothing (this is somewhat confusing as the chav is not renowned for its athletic abilities) and countless items of ‘bling’ (chav patois meaning jewellery or other adornments). the origins of said ‘bling’ are various as the chav typically possesses neither a means of employment or indeed any type of education. chavettes, meanwhile, tend to have hair in at least two colours, ill-fitting tops and white tracksuit tops (usually kappa). note their ornate ‘love bites’: tribal cicatrices around the neck, usually perpetrated by a near-toothless male known as kev, daz, gaz, baz, tez or some other monosyllabic name.

health and education

chavs can often be seen smoking – an activity which causes them to spit and cough, but only in public places (see above). they imbibe alcohol, normally in the form of cheap lager / cider normally obtained illegally. this often gives them the impression that they are ‘hard’ and they will thus attempt to start fights with anyone/thing smaller than them. however, upon retaliation of their prey they tend to run away.

chavs are, believe it or not, to be found in education. again, they tend to subsist in packs and can be seen braying and howling in the cl-ssroom, challenging even the most reasonable of requests to shut the h-ll up and let other people learn things. they tend to leave school before the age of sixteen, however, in order to pursue parenthood or a life of crime.

transportation

the chavette is rarely seen driving a car. instead, she is to be found holding up various bus p-ssengers as she attempts to manoeuvre her outsized three-wheeled buggy onto a local bus service. she is usually en route to a supermarket or other place where she can swear at or smack her children publicly (this is the only form of discipline, usually to an extreme, ever displayed by chavs or chavettes towards their children and so it is required by law that it takes place wherever others may be gathered).

the chav can be found spending seemingly endless resources of money adding bodykits and neon striplights to his car (sometimes known as a ‘chaviot’): this is normally a pre-1990 ford escort with 1100cc engine and xr3i stickers, a near-suicidal vauxhall nova (with plastic split-screen effect, or the occasional bmw coated in hammerite. the real mystery about this is how the vehicle can move under the weight of the stereo system installed (badly) within. a large sticker usually adorns the rear (tinted) windscreen of the vehicle, proclaiming the brand of stereo equipment supposedly fitted inside. loud, b-ssy music of indeterminate genre / origin will more often than not be emanating through the very loose tinted side windows.

language

the typical chav speaks a language which has yet to be named. it claims to have its roots in english, although this is in some doubt. most chav words are mercifully brief, and sentences tend to be punctuated with ‘innit’ or some sort of expletive. only chavs can truly understand the language – the rest of us can only guess at the witty repartie and intellectual gems of conversation that may p-ss between them.
if you see a young male (aged 12-35) dressed like an elderly lady’s shopping trolley, you have in all likelihood just witnessed a chav. in this situation, you are permitted by common consensus to find the nearest firearm and descend upon said chav with all force.
1. human equivalent of vermin. fake sportswear, large gold jewellery (bought from argos) and (at least) quadrouple pushchair with females of the ‘species’. they use a little known language derived from english slang and american ‘gangsta’.most reproduce by the age of 14, sometimes younger.chavs are created by their parents through serious neglect or adequate education of any kind. although the ‘species’ is so new, their predicted life span is around 40 years, enough time to raise a least 5 broods. they can be found around fast food outlets, shopping malls and other similer places. their main transport is either a ‘modded’ sh-te bucket or a police vehicle of some sort.
i saw a chav a minute ago. obviously, i shot the b-st-rd
oh, my! a twelve year-old girl wearing a t-shirt proclaiming her status as a ‘sl-t’. how tasteful. mother would be so proud…
is she..? yes, she is! a chavette! sorry, didn’t spot it quickly enough – forgive me, i’m blind.

here are a few clues for chav-spotters:

girls (chavettes, sengas):
– bling, and lots of it.
– hoop earrings you could drive a bus through
– hair pulled back so tight as to provide a facial expression of constant surprise
– at least three children trailing
– smoking a f-g – a little white stick poking out of your mouth really does make you look terribly sophisticated, dear…
– talking on a mobile
– wearing a variety of coins/christmas cracker rings on fingers
– cow-eyed look in eyes
– skin as white as death, with blue tinges here and there (occasional purple and yellow ones too, from constant spousal abuse) and a red nose from smoking/drinking too much
– skirt pulled up to just below the hair-line (please god don’t ever let it get any higher)
– fat chavettes – without exception – sport tight, too-short tops that would put even the hardiest person off their meal, and trousers that expose a crack minging enough to put a plumber to shame
– throws litter/gum/cigarette b-tts onto the pavement/bus floor

boys
– baseball caps on (but probably don’t know what baseball is)
– hair so short it could pop balloons
– fewer teeth than a shanghai hobo
– tiny, skinny frame laden with heavy fake-gold
– cheap nylon track-suits
– smoking a f-g (of course) and spitting at p-ssers-by
– usually found sitting on the top of a park bench or a wall in the town centre
– ears near the back of their necks, a particularly endearing genetic malformation
– always mock-fighting with fellow chavs, possibly to intimidate onlookers
– in vehicles that are horribly unroadworthy, and which generally have no engine. the booming b-ss from the sh-te they listen to provides enough momentum

cl-ssless, no-mannered, ugly, aggressive, incredibly stupid wastes of flesh. they need to be lined up and shot.
they’ve contaminated the gene-pool. quick – deploy the napalm!
a f-cking discrace, where did they all come from, 30 years ago my town was cool, now it sucks. grubby little houses and burnt out cars
looks like evolution c-cked it again
regional variations

charver, scalley, ned, chor.

a social undercl-ss par excellence. the absolute dregs of modern civilization, each one a near clone in iq (the lowest possible whilst still exhibiting brain stem function), att-tude, diet, dress sense, uselessness, abusiveness and complete lack of any sense of decorum.

likely to be found in congregations outside mcdonalds, endlessly smoking cheap cigarettes whilst sporting burberry clothes, m-sses of cheap 9ct gold jewelry from argos/index, baseball caps worn at 90 degrees. female chavs can be identified from their hair, invariably worn pulled back into the tightest possible configuration and secured with at least 5 “scrunchies”.

unable to converse in any high form of language and too lazy to communicate the limited vocabulary they have properly.

the only good chav is dead one. the only thing better than that is a m-ss grave full of dead chavs and a 24 hour work crew making way for more…
whodya think your’e lookin at? ah’ll batter ya, y’ f***in’ div!

(then runs to get older brother at first sign of trouble)