a self-proclaimed expert that extorts inflated fees from a host company in return for vague and predominently incorrect business advice.
the successful consultant detaches from its host at the exact moment its parasitic qualities are discovered by upper management. thus, the successful consultant’s term of engagement will last from months to years, until a mildly attentive decision-maker realizes that their burning ray of hope is all talk. note that some middle managers and all other employees of the host will immediately recognize the consultant as a pathogen.
in order to gain access to a viable host, the consultant preys upon upper managements’ lack of job expertise and unrealisistic dreams of grandure. by using a string of buzz-words and metaphors that appear as incoherent babble to most humans, the consultant will usually succeed in gaining an -ssignment to fix a non-existant problem purportedly caused by the host’s employees.
“the consultant said that, once he has some free band-width, he will interface with his vast array of important contacts, leverage some syergies, and bring us up to speed with the rest of the industry…, really, those were his exact words.”
a man who knows 500 different ways to make love, but doesn’t know any women.
the gov’t. mistakenly hired a plethora of consultants to find a solution to the problem.
someone who borrows your watch to tell you the time, and then walks off with it
a consultant is a legitimate, occasionally usefull professional adivser
glorified business hooker, typically hired by a consulting wh-r-house, which pimps out its consultants to clients, then proceed to f-ck the consultants over until they’re pleased (or until the consultants are dead), pay the wh-r-house big bucks, leaving the consultant with little commission (including some hotel and airline points) and lasting trauma.
hopeful college grad: what are some key qualities i need to have be a consultant?
experienced consultant: be able to handle long crippling f-ckings and be okay with shortened lifespan

a: you’re a consultant? what are some of the most exotic places you’ve traveled to for work?
b: i once traveled to b-mblef-ck western virginia for a year. the only view from my hotel was of a large mine or some sort of a blackhole where no light escaped.
a bullsh-t artist who is paid to provide ideas to managers, who then make the ideas appear to employees as if they were their own. meanwhile, the consultant runs off to the the service of another client in order to avoid being around to take the blame when their obscurantist, superficial ideas are actually implemented.
here’s that douchebag consultant again who is going to give some quadrant diagram on mitigation strategies for $2k/day.
those unfortunate idiots who are caught between the reality of existence and the percieved reality their family, friends, -ssociates, or computer software is telling them. a consequence of motivated conditioning towards reward and a separation from individual thoughts about the natural world.
no sense of appreciation or respect for privacy.
unfortunately they are a real pain in the -ss to intelligent people.
they will usually mimic in order to achieve their delusional goals.
anyone who manipulates other people to achieve a superfluous lifestyle.

tactics usually include: friendship or some sort of cult or religious believe.
they coast off the accomplishments of harder working people, which would be fine if they didnt turn the world world into a mockery and try to pull them into it.

” we are consultants for insert communication company here because we thought it would be the easiest way to be rich and happy.”

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