critical theory

a university department from which you can get a degree in being offended.
person 1: hey, what the h-ll do you think you’re doing?
person 2: hm?
p 1: i saw that, and i’m not going to take it quietly, for your information.
p 2: i’m sorry?
p 1: yeah, i’ll make you sorry. you looked at me. as a woman of size, i know that only means one thing – you’re fat shaming me!
p 2: uhhh… no, i…
p 1: not only that, but i have problems with my hips because of my big, beautiful, healthy size, so you’re also being a filthy ableist.
p 2: huh? what’s an ableist?
p 1: look at you, standing there in all your white male heteronormativity, judging me silently with your eyes. i’ll have you know that my great-great-grandmother on my father’s side was half cherokee.

p 2: uh, that’s cool…
p 1: no, that is not “cool”. you don’t get to tell me that’s “cool” and fetishize me as an indigenous person of color when you are a colonizing occupier on this, my sacred tribal land!!
p 2: look, i think you are misunderstanding this whole thing…
p 1: “you”? “you”??? my pr-nouns most pointedly do not include the word “you”!! that is a form of gendered violence against me. and don’t dare tell me it’s not, because i have a master’s degree in critical theory and i’m wise to every single microaggression coming off of your hateful, oppressive person. now get out of here before i call the police!
p 2. okay, okay fine. just finish making the latte i ordered and i’ll take it to go.