Crossfit Strong

“crossfit strong” is very much like being “weightw-tchers thin”, i.e. you might think you’re hot sh-t, but out in the real world, you’re 2 milkshakes away from greenpeace pushing you back into the ocean like the overbloated land cetacean that you have become.

with their total lack of linear or otherwise strength progression programming, and instead random, jerking, as-fast-as-f-cking-possible and f-ck the form, exercise, your average crossfitter will build the kind of strength that would impress a whole playground full of 8 year olds. until the 10 year olds turned up and out-lifted them (whilst using vastly superior form).

you might think half-squatting a pvc pipe 30 times is impressive, if you’re surrounded by similar white, middle cl-ss, cult-buddies. you’ll probably harp on with some old bullsh-t about “functional strength”, as if there is a way of being strong that is somehow useless. you might even be arrogant enough to equate throwing barbells around, without any form of programming, to a lifetime of hard graft and labour, and claim you have a similar base of strength. let me tell you, cultfitters. any farmer aged 8 and up will outlift your skinny, dyel, wet bag, rotator cuff worrying, carb depleted bullsh-t.
weightlifter: ‘dude, why are you throwing your legs around while you do a pullup? you realise that doesn’t actually work the muscles you’re trying to target any better right? and in fact may increase the stress on your shoulder joints, right?’

crossfitter: ‘but i’m crossfit strong! plus… i can’t really do a strict form pull up’.

weightlifter: ‘well you could work on that, become stronger until you can do a whole bunch?’

crossfitter: ‘no! that’s ok, i just like to turn up and do a random bunch of exercises without any thought to what my goals or objectives are, you know, apart from doing it all faster!’.

weightlifter: ‘ok. the adult weights are over in the corner if you’d like to join me, i’ll be deadlifting with proper form and not for time 3x what you lift, in the corner. come join me when your rotator cuffs are healed’.

crossfitter: ‘insert crossfit hq mantra
the kind of strong you get doing crossfit workouts. similar to “country strong.” the men and women that do crossfit workouts rarely change in size, so the aren’t huge, but they are extremely strong and have great endurance. similar to country farm boys that do functional work daily. no abs can compare to the greatness of crossfit abs. total core workout.
weightlifter: dude, you are not very big to be deadlifting all that weight, you need a weight belt.

crossfitter: this is just my warm-up

weightlifter: but you aren’t a huge muscle head, like all my buds.

crossfitter: no, i’m crossfit strong!