Defacon
rating used to describe how bad you have to sh-t. best used during long trips:
defacon 6: normal sh-tting procedures. you have no worry about public restrooms.
defacon 5: normal sh-tting procedures. you could probably sh-t if upon request, like a monkey. should be able to surp-ss pooformance anxiety.
defacon 4: something’s up. somehow, someway, you know somethings going to go wrong today. it might be the big one, it might not. either way, you’re going to drop the kids off at the pool sometime in the next 24 hours.
defacon 3: you can feel it moving in your gut. rearrange plans accordingly. max safe distance from toilet: 1 hour
defacon 2: the sh-t is imminent. you should already have been on your way to the sh-tter. max safe distance from toilet: 5 minutes.
defacon 1: turtling prairie d-gg-ng sharting max safe distance from toilet: none
defacon 0: crisis averted, p-ss me some new pants.
defacon 2 alert! if you value your seats, you’ll pull over at the next stop.
or
sure i can go to the movie, but i feel like i’m at defacon 3 so you might have to catch me up on some parts later.
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