Faux Defecation

when one sits on the john for some amount of time before realizing they cannot release their fecal matter. the cause is sometimes constipation. however this is not always the case; the cause may be unknown. it is not uncommon for one to release gas during this period of time. time elapsed before the epiphany varies greatly, experts suggest times from 1 minute all the way to a rare case in j-pan in which the subject took over 27 hours (exact time is unknown). the mean is 11 minutes. the standard deviation, or σ, is approximately 7 minutes. time does vary between species and s-x.
(whilst watching a football game)
john: brb, i gotta take a dump. -10 minutes later-
henry: dude wtf are you doing? you just missed janet jackson’s b–b!
john: d-mn i can’t sh-t!
henry: oh man, you must have a case of faux defecation

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