Frittenden

a small, isolated village located 50 miles south of london, set in the middle of picturesque kent countryside. it can be reached by road (just off the a229), rail or (with the completion of the noel edmonds international airport in late 2006) air.

built as an architectural folly by “witty” lord foxteth in the 18th century, frittenden is famed for it’s “challenging” local architecture. this resulted from a slight technical oversight when the village was constructed resulting in the average height of the buildings being only 4 and a half feet tall.

the village which was built exactly to lord foxteth’s design in all other regards, also boasts one of the finest examples of late-baroque churches in all of england.
soaring to a majestic 6 foot 2, the fruit of our lady parish church has been described variably as a ‘wondrous cacophony of stone and gl-ss’ by some commentators and ‘a bl–dy deathtrap of falling masonry and gl-ss, underpinned by what looks like c-cktail sticks’ by other, arguably more honest, commentators (usually from the local council).

the population, numbering approximately 200, are mainly employed in tourism or pig farming. there have been attempts to combine the two industries but it was generally agreed the ‘slurry pleasure boat rides’ and ‘pig back riding’ were not an overwhelming financial success.

hopes are high however for the new international airport being built which will not only improve tourist numbers but will also create 5,000 new jobs in the area.
of course the airport will bring it’s own set of problems, not least the possibility of a plane falling on the village and there have been calls for it to be built slightly further away, sheffield perhaps or maybe even belfast.

however, these calls were rejected and in the summer of 1997 work got underway on the noel edmonds international airport. true to the sprit of the original founding of frittenden, the measurements for the various parts of the airport were again misconstrued (this time it was, bizarrely, feet for millilitres) resulting in the runway being only 257ml “long”.

this has not dented the stout people of frittenden’s resolve and they soon hope to be welcoming people from such mythical, far away places such as didcot, chelmsford, maybe even swansea (although it has been stated that the planes would have to have very good brakes to stop in time and prevent them from destroying the village and probably most of the surrounding county of kent as well)

but with the charm of it’s architecture and the colourful character of it’s local customs and rituals (ask mrs. wittgenstein if you can touch her weasel!) frittenden will no doubt win you over.
“when frittenden church doth fall,
large bears will mope and maul

– traditional proverb