furnisexual
someone s-xually oriented to the movable articles in a room or an establishment that make it fit for living or working.
i.e. a person who completely lacks s-xual interest in anything human, much less alive. but, unlike someone or something that is as-xual or simply of other orientations or fetishes that don’t involve living or human targets, a furnis-xual desires to and probably attempts to f-ck chairs, tables etcetera.
the term is also thrown around by “normal” people for a cheap laugh or shock value.
“i’m so sorry about what happened to the new leather couch but i wasn’t under the influence of any substances or attempting some pathetic form of masturbation. mom. dad. there’s something i need to tell you. i’m a furnis-xual.”
“my rents are on their way home to b-tch about all the sh-t i did this weekend. while i’m arguing with them i think i’ll slip in a bullsh-t confession about being a furnis-xual. i’m not sure if they’ll be amused and it’ll lighten the impact of the other stuff or if they’ll put me in serious therapy and/or drug me up heavily but either way i win, right?”
a person that is intimate and/or will have s-x with furniture.
person 1: hey, did you hear about john? i heard he f-cks chairs.
person 2: yeah, he must be a furnis-xual.
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