a subsiduary of mills & boon, perpetuating the myth of love in order to create profits from bleeding hearts.
‘here my love, i bought you a hallmark valentines day card’
a conglomerate constructed entirely of cardstock, glitter, and keepsake ornaments. hallmark’s main goal is to perpetuate christmas year-round, so it’s four quarters are labeled as follows: almost christmas, christmas, still christmas, and valentine’s day. among it’s many schemes for holiday perpetuation are things such as: three (3) separate keepsake ornament events (the first of which occurs in july), constant, nagging reminders to customers to begin stocking up on cards for christmas (beginning sometime around august), and the unnecessarily long “post-holiday sale” that runs right up to the beginning of valentine’s day.

since christmas provides such a large part of hallmark’s revenue, it feels the need to begin releasing it’s prized keepsake ornaments in early july, just as most people are finally beginning to put the horror of the previous holiday behind them. thus, “almost christmas” begins, moving smoothly into “christmas” sometime around mid-october. “still christmas” begins directly after new years and runs until february 14th and often beyond, so “still christmas” and “valentine’s day” often overlap.

valentine’s day, which is the lesser of hallmark’s insidiously overdone holidays, fills in the gap between still christmas and almost christmas nicely while still managing to fill the duel purpose of guilting men into showering the objects of their affections with glittery cards, fluffy teddy bears, and heart-shaped boxes of chocolate.
woman one: “i’m headed to hallmark to get some birthday cards. do you want to come?”

woman two: “nah, i’m not in the mood for christmas stuff right now.”

woman one: “it’s july, i think you’re safe.”

woman two: “well… alright…”

sales -ssociate: -as they walk into the store- “welcome to ornament premiere! all of our new christmas keepsake ornaments have just come out for the year!”

woman two: -faints-
hallmark is a place where thick pieces of paper with corny sayings are sold for ridiculous prices. some are too mushy to be serious, whereas others honestly might provide amus-m-nt.

also, a brand invented by some ugly old man, last name hall, to help get himself in better with the women by sending her candy and goofy little holiday stuff.

known for inventing such holidays as valentine’s day, administrative professionals day, sweetest day, friendship day, clergy day, and many many more.
1) let’s go to hallmark and buy some over-priced candy.

2)that guy named hall had no idea what kind of monster he was starting when he made the hallmark store.

3)let’s change valentine’s day to “spend too much at hallmark day”. i mean, they made it, right?
besides being a greeting card company, it also means a male who has no b-lls. therefore he is way to simpathetic and crys over chick flicks. enjoys buying stuffed animals and flowers for his girlfriend who has him by his non existent nuts. he listens to his every word as if he thought he could blow a load on it. hallmark club cards, and “hallmark” are not that different when you think about it.
chris: dude, tonight there is an avril lavigne concert! i’m going with my girlfriend! i’m going to get her flowers, and candy, its going to be great!
ben: dude… you’re such a god d-mn hallmark

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