hard pause
the abrupt halt one encounters when they realize that they are about to cr-p, they are not going to make it to the toilet, and the only chance they have of saving their pants is to stop in their tracks and clench their b-tt cheeks at tightly as possible. a hard pause is complete when the gas bubbles gurgle to the top of the stomach. a person has roughly 30 seconds after the stomach gurgle to reach the toilet, or they must prepare for a second, even more perilous, hard pause. it is unwise to try to attempt more than two hard pauses in a row. this will probably lead to disaster, and will likely require field-dressing of ones underpants (i.e., cutting through each leg with your pocket knife and tossing the soiled drawers behind the toilet).
i almost cr-pped my pants this morning. i had to make a hard pause in the hall on the way to the bathroom and another right in front of the toilet.
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