kaspersky
a russian “anti virus” solution commonly mocked due to being very stereotypical. for instance, before the virus protection will protect your computer from infections, you must first earn its respect. otherwise, the only option you can select when dealing with a virus is “ignore”. it is still unknown how one must go about “earning its respect”.
kaspersky is also known for not only removing viruses, but “crushing” them or “obliterating” them. instead of quarantining a virus, kaspersky sends the virus to the gulag where it serves 20 years hard labor breaking rocks in siberia.
kaspersky’s company slogan is “in soviet russia, virus scanner scan you”.
kaspersky anti virus is often criticized when a virus is found that becomes unremovable. instead of letting the virus win, kaspersky will automatically blow up your computer so n-body wins, because, according to kaspersky, “it is much more desirable for both kaspersky and virus to lose, than for virus to win”.
there have been reports recently stating that kaspersky anti virus actually puts viruses on your computer, and then acts like its doing you a favor when it removes them. this is a particularly big problem if you have not earned kaspersky’s respect yet.
kaspersky anti virus is rumored to be releasing a firewall solution in the coming months. instead of simply being a firewall, though, it will be an iron curtain that puts satellite computers around yours, forming a virus buffer zone.
kaspersky anti virus is the most untrusted name in virus protection.
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