Longfellow Sandwich

on aug 01, 2006 at 07:53 am, longfellow proposed the longfellow sandwich club. he laid down a few simple rules: this is a sandwich club in which we cut our sandwiches not once, but twice. and we position the four pieces into a circle. and in the middle of the plate we put potato chips. this club is pro-frilly toothpicks. oh, you like mushrooms on your sandwiches? well, you’re not in the club then.

six minutes later, longfellow proposed that this sandwich be referred to as the “organization sandwich,” for the simple yet beautiful reason that it “kind of rolls off the tongue.” henceforward, the main tenets of the longfellow sandwich club were born.

the organization sandwich

sandwiches must be cut into four triangles. never squares. these triangles may never be referred to as “little sailboats.” they must be heedfully arranged on the plate (or plated) in a circular formation, with potato chips in the middle. to hold the individual sandwich pieces together, frilly toothpicks are encouraged. no mushrooms, under any circ-mstance, are allowed on the sandwich.

standards

the potato chips should have ridges, for they are crunchier. if potato chips are unavailable, the only acceptable subst-tutions are doritos, cheetos, pork rinds, or french-fried potatoes. under no circ-mstance will a salad of any kind be permitted on the plate. side items, such as potato or macaroni salad, pickles, or even a garden salad (although frowned upon) are permitted, however, must be placed on the side—in a bowl or on another plate, and may in no way interfere with the organization sandwich (an occasional pickle will be permitted–but never go overboard–this is for your own good).

three slices of bread instead of two are okay, but not essential to the make-up of the organization sandwich. you may put just about anything on your sandwich with the exception of mushrooms–under no circ-mstance will mushrooms be permitted (once again, for your own good). peanut b-tter and jelly sandwiches are discouraged, but allowed, as long as the eater strictly follows the organization sandwich structure.

calzones and croissants are not sandwiches. after much debate, we have deemed the hot pocket to be a sandwich, but it is still frowned upon. eat whatever you want, just do not fool yourselves into the idea that simply because you use the organization sandwich structure, that you are eating an organization sandwich. however, the organization sandwich structure and its integration into your daily life will always be encouraged–as its purpose is to maintain some cohesive order in an otherwise chaotic world.

intricate details of these rules are subject to change.
did she just give that guy a longfellow sandwich?