main line mom
main line moms are overattentive, overinvolved, pampered, prissy j-p-sp-wning machines. they’ll fight tooth and nail for their kids to get undeserved as and not just because they do all their school projects for them. they hire tutors for $80/hour when their kids get an a-, shuttle their kids and their lacrosse equipment and golden retrievers around in their landrovers, and know all the gossip about their kids’ cl-ssmates before they do. main line moms peak at college admissions and bar/bat mitzvah seasons. they tread the line between p-ssive-aggressive and aggressive-aggressive and if you’re skeptical, try nordstrom pet-tes during the semi-annual sale or getting a parking spot in suburban square. they adore g-ys but they lock their car doors when they see a black person. a true main line mom keeps an immaculate home and garden, but only because of the coterie of immigrant gardeners, house-cleaners, and babysitters they employ. main line moms know that they deserve the world and so do their kids. and they won’t let you forget it.
lower merion high school student 1: my mom found out from laura cooper’s mom who heard from robin goldfarb’s mom that rachael silverberg gave jake weinstein head under the table at adam rubin’s bar mitzvah.
lower merion high school student 2: omg, the main line mom gossip network is out of control.
the typical main line mom is the one who stays home and drives a big car so she can shuttle all her kids and their friends around. they usually have around 5 to 7 kids. during the day they go to the mall to blow their husbands money and chat with their friends on their blackberrys, but at night they go into homework mode and do all their kids homework for them so they can be the best. every weekend they go to a party and get a local villa nova student to watch their kids while they go get wasted. during the summer they vacation at their house in avalon, new jersey or go to their country clubs and sit under the cabanas with the other main line moms and gossip. typically a main line mom will raise their kids everything they want. many main line moms are referred to as milfs.
billy: dude your mom is the typical main line mom, she’s such a milf!
mike: dude thats so weird!
billy: sorry, is she going to drive us to lax?
these f-ckers make driving through the main line h-ll. usually 40-60 years of age and have multiple children. all of them have the trashiest philly accent you will ever witness and if you are at a stop light and you aren’t driving 0.00000000000001 seconds after it turns green they will honk and scream at you from their subaru suv until you move, and will most likely try to cut you off even if they aren’t going in your direction.
main line mom: *honks car* f-cking move c-nt! my daughter has a dance recital in fifteen minutes and you’re making me late!
me: f-ck off c-nt!
her children: ooooooooooooooooooooh
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