mercury grand marquis

produced 1975-2011
the flagship full-size sedan of the mercury marque for the entirety of its lifetime that remained almost completely unchanged from 1983 onward. it was the mid-level variant of the ford panther platform, positioned between the ford crown victoria (ltd) and lincoln town car as a moderately upscale body-on-frame, v8 engined, six-p-ssenger sedan. it was largely marketed toward an elderly demographic that appreciated its decidedly traditional appeal and didn’t want to see it changed. eventually, however, the generation who had kept it in production (and, realistically, the entire mercury brand for that matter) died off and only a small but fierce band of metro hipster cucks and southern hicks remained to pet-tion its inexorable demise.

notable features included: genuine fake wood inserts on every single interior dash and door panel, superbly soft dual bench seats for elderly keisters, a chrome-clad three or four speed automatic transmission column-shifter for ease of usage by arthritis-afflicted hands, a capacious trunk to be used for nothing other than hauling bags of hand-crocheted doilies, and an utterly isolating suspension and power-steering system to prevent intrusion of any kind from the outside world during the weekly twenty kilometer per hour joyride to the bingo hall.
phyllis used to own a blue ’99 mercury grand marquis–that is, until she backed it into the sears display window. her family always said that car was too much for an old woman to handle.