M&M Duels
whenever i get a package of plain m&m’s, i make it my duty to continue the strength and robustness of the candy as a species. to this end, i make them have m&m duels.
taking two candies between my forefinger and thumb, i apply pressure, squeezing them together until one of them cracks and splinters. that is the ‘loser’ and i eat the inferior one immediately. the winner get to go to the next round.
i have found that, in general, brown and red m&ms are tougher, while the blue ones are genetically inferior. i have hypothesized that blue m&ms as a race cannot survive long in the intense ring of compet-tion and cracks under the pressure of being in the modern candy and snack food world.
occasionally i will come across a mutation, a candy that is mishapen, pointier or flatter than the rest. almost invariably this seems to be a weakness but on very rare occ-ssions it gives the candy extra strength. in this way, the candy continues to adapt in it’s enviroment.
when i finish the package, i am left with one m&m. the strongest of the herd. since it wouldn’t make any sense to eat this one as well, i package it up with a letter that says “please use this m&m for breeding purposes” and send it back to
m&m mars, a division of mars inc in hackettstown, nj
they wrote back this week thanking me and gve me a coupon for a free 1/2 pound bag of m&ms.
this weekend there will be a tournament of epic protortions.
there can only be one champion.
tara: “what the h-ll are you doing, kaele?”
kaele: “m&m duels of course!”
tara: “… can i watch??”
kaele: >:d
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