mount ephraim

mount ephraim is a city, no, a town, no, a village filled with a variety of personalities whose main occupations involve drinking beer, talking trash, and drinking more beer while complaining that the eagles need to get their act together. it is roughly a square mile in area, and is home to the biggest cvs in the world. yippee. also located there is the spread eagle inn, a lovely little bar where a majority of the population (and by majority i mean roughly 100 people) likes to hang out, get plastered, and gossip about your friends and family.

another quite desirable little pub in mount ephraim is the democrat club where even republicans are invited (quite a purposeful name, huh?)! this fine establishment consists of about 15 stools, a small arcade machine on the counter, around 2 pool tables, a back door, and even a board on the front of the building that displays information no one cares about! (not even the patrons) oh, i’m sorry, they display “go eagles!” 24/7 but that’s about it. there is even a (sometimes broken) pay phone out front so that you can call someone for a ride home when you aren’t fit to drive yourself! talk about accommodation. just make sure you’re getting trashed at the pub when the phone is working.

there are about 5 churches, one of which you’ll commonly find 2 or 3 people sitting on the steps waiting for the bus every day.

mount ephraim’s close proximity to camden attracts many suspicious-looking hood rats who like to roam the streets one by one looking for someone to sell drugs to or b-m a cigarette off of.

the police force in mount e. is quite a wonder. the cops who work in the area love to arrest teenagers for “smoking underage” despite the fact that there is no such thing. they also enjoy pulling teenagers over an hour before curfew and telling them to head home now. which brings me to the topic of curfews. curfews in mount ephraim were recently moved up to 11:00 pm, except during the week up to and including mischief night. the curfew then is 8:00 pm which doesn’t make any sense because the trouble caused is traditionally on mischief night. cops in the area during that time will pull you over for so much as having a suspicious bulge in your pants which turns out to be your crotch. “sorry, thought you were hiding an egg.” really noteworthy police force in my opinion. just make sure you don’t run near their cars, they’re likely to chase you.

mount ephraim’s population includes a variety of strange characters. these include, and are for the most part severely limited to, babbling drunks who talk trash on the people whose homes they walk by with their paper bags full of beer in one hand while making rude gestures at phantoms with the other, people who really should be inst-tuted in a mental hospital but instead are left roaming the streets staring at p-ssersby and rooting through garbage cans for nothing, a few choice amiable families, 8-10 year olds running around in mobs cursing like the aforementioned babbling drunks, and the rest are just unnoticeable people who don’t make any effort to -ssociate themselves with the public of this town, err, village (who can blame them?).

all in all, mount ephraim is a pretty swell place. half the houses are trashy, half are respectable, it’s a pretty average village. in terms of houses, that is. if you enjoy being bored to tears and having to walk for a half hour just to reach a post office then this is the place for you.
mount ephraim cop: “hey, where are you going at this time of night? don’t you know it’s past curfew?”
teenager: “i’m on my way to dunkin donuts to get a few donuts and a cup of coffee.”
mount ephraim cop: “hey me too! hop in, i’ll give you a ride.”
teenager: “sweet! glazed is my favorite.”
mount ephraim cop: “mine too! i’ll give ya a ride home. but first, i’m gonna have to pat you down for eggs. g-d i love my job.”
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