newsance
the first person you hear from whenever an important news story breaks. having idolized news anchors like wolf blitzer and anderson cooper, the newsance relishes every opportunity to experience the awesome wave of self-congratulatory importance that derives from delivering a novel news story. the newsance recognizes this as a cause greater than oneself and, as such, will go to great lengths to inform every last one of his/her friends about a breaking news story–at any time of day and by any means necessary.
-phone rings at 3 a.m.-
john: what in the h-ll… -yawn-… who’s calling so late?!
phyllis: john! my goodness, have you heard? have you heard?! oprah just announced she’s quitting her show! 25 years!
john: uh… gah, is this phyllis again? do you really have to call so late?
phyllis: it’s oprah! this is, like, a historic moment! i just couldn’t bear the thought of you waking up to it in the morning, having to deal with it all alone.
john: listen, phyllis, i know i’ve always called you my friend, but no longer. -hangs up-
john’s wife: phyllis, right? jeez, she’s a real newsance.
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