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an affluent town in upper fairfield county, connecticut and home to the nighthawks of newtown high school. the community is slightly diverse and is growing rapidly. high school and college students alike find newtown to be a rather entertaining area. with two sizeable lakes and two town parks there is always something to do when school gets out for the summer.

newtown kids also have the hobby of getting absolutely f-cked up. activities range from getting sh-tfaced for senior league or leaving to take gravities during your free period. getting f-cked up for high school dances is also a fine art; get wasted, but don’t get caught. drinking in school was the best as long as you don’t run into kathy or novia. it’s played with 10 cups, not 6, and if you’re not up you play a different game (or smoke a cig). parties are all over the place during weekends, but you could always just drink in someone’s bas-m-nt. roll a dutch, play some i95 and just chill out. of course you can find better things than weed and alcohol, if you’re into that. what it comes down to is newtown is the sh-t. we run this state.
a: you wanna go to that rager?
b: yeah, but it’s on the other side of town.
a: f-ck you, newtown, ct isn’t that big.
b: alright, let’s get out of here.
a: you’re buying diner later when i’m to sh-tfaced to drive.
newtown, ct is located in fairfield county – the 203. it consists of several well-known landmarks: ram’s pasture, the flagpole, and… wait, no… that’s it. the true purpose for anyone below the ago of 21 to visit newtown is for the outrageous parties these kids know how to throw. basically, anyone that grows up in newtown, ct is, or will become in the near future, an alcoholic. this is due the complete lack of anything to do in this town and the skillful tactics of avoiding cops during enormous liquor-fests. typical locations for such sh-tfests are the woods, barns, and anyone’s empty house. at these parties, high-schoolers engage in the intake of m-ssive amounts of hard liquor chased with a miller high life. this level of partying allows for one’s tolerance level to be raised to that above a college senior’s. this, to say the least, is impressive. but no one in newtown is ever impressed. drinking in school is also popular. those whose tolerance levels are lower, for unexplained reasons, are caught by kathy or novia. but, underage alcoholism is the norm.

weed is the second most popular substance. smoking during school or sports practice is not uncommon because no one ever gets caught. it’s easy to find and usually only $20 per ounce, but it’s good sh-t. hitting gravities at parties is expected, accepted, and respected. marijuana has gained popularity among the large population of newtown hippies and has spread among all social groups, including cheerleaders.

gathering at dunkin donuts while drunk is common. even without saying anything, everyone knows to meet at either dunkin donuts or the diner. and even though cops are always stationed at these two locations, they never say anything because they know what it’s like to grow up in newtown. they understand that it’s our way of life. and they understand we’re not like those area code 860 kids who’ll get caught for being stupid. they know we’re the smart drunks.

when you meet someone from newtown, -ssume they are:
a) drunk
b) high
c) drunk and high
d) will be drunk and high later
e) all of the above

in conclusion, those who have ever lived in newtown know that newtown kids know how to party, how not to get caught, and how to get sh-tfaced and coherently drive to the blue colony diner and order a belgian waffle at 2 a.m.
“i’ve already had 4 handles of dubra, 3 cases of miller high life, 9 pints of goldschlager, and 14 ice-luges of watermelon bacardi and i’m not drunk. this is what i get for growing up in newtown, ct.”
newtown is a small, wealthy town that breeds fairfield county’s craziest alcoholics. beside being in a county full of america’s biggest partiers, newtown is far more insane.
smoking weed is a daily routine, and pulling gravities are as usual as brushing their teeth. parties get so large, they range from highschool soph-m-res to college seniors. this is truely the only town where i’ve seen highschool girls outdrink college kids and not think anything of it.. but of course, if the college kid is a newtown bred alcoholic they can probably hold their liquor pretty d-mn well.

“i’m not an alcoholic, im just from newtown, ct…”

a decent-sized upper middle cl-ss town located in fairfield county. it has a very suburban setting in its location in the sticks, and its high school is pretty decent at sports. although plenty of teenagers complain that there is nothing to do in newtown, it has a few parks and forests, including treadwell town park, and it has the blue colony diner. plus its near everything: malls, movie theaters, bowling alleys, the beach, nyc, etc.
ct resident: where are you from?

newtown resident: newtown, ct.

ct resident: where’s that?

newtown resident: it’s located near danbury.

ct resident: oh, ok.
a great town in fairfield county with great things to do and great people. everything about it is great. the schools in it are…hawley, head o’ meadow, middle gate, sandy hook, reed intermediate, newtown middle school, newtown high school and a few other private schools which are only for rich kids who feel the need to go somewhere else because the kids in public schools are too screwed up. oh wait. so are the kids in the private schools. basically everyone in newtown is a bit twisted in the head but thats okay because it wouldnt be newtown if they weren’t. and y’know what? they’re d-mn proud of it.
a: “hey brah, where you from?”

b: “newtown, ct, baby!”

a: -runs away-

b: -grins with pleasure- “i’m a newtowner, for yah.”
a very wealthy town that many people move to for it’s schools, beauty, and friendliness. although said in many definitions before, newtown is not a druggy place at all. in fact, it’s far from it. many children who grow up in newtown go to great colleges because of the great educations they gain while living there. also, newtown has a ton of sports and activities to offer…it is by far one of the most fortunate places to live in connecticut!
girl: woah, this place is so awesome! what town are we in?

mother: newtown, ct, honey!