Old Man Disease
an abnormal, chronic condition that utterly destroys the spirit of those unfortunate enough to be affected. victims usually enter an initial phase of existential shock coupled with long bouts of heavy, heavy introspection. symptoms usually include a decreased will to partic-p-te in all social activities, as well as a general lethargic and depressing outlook. this disease is highly infectious and may be transferred merely by word of mouth in fortuitous circ-mstances. this disease carries no race bias.
treatment: direct intervention by loved ones, making significant amounts of money, getting laid.
h: sup jones?
j: oh, hey hab–b.
h: how’s it goin?
j: oh, dude.. i’m super stressed about all this reading i got to get done this week. plus my arms are super sore from cleaning all those big -ss boats all day. i don’t even know what i’m doing with my life anymore(patient undergoes period of existential shock).
h: i was not expecting that kind of real sh-t. so… i guess that means you’re not coming out tonight?
j: nah man, i gotta get my sh-t together. i’ll have like a beer or two… maybe. hey, maybe you should start thinking about taking school seriously too.
h: ….
1 week later…
l: sup hab–b?
h: oh, hey laz…. how’s it goin?
l: oh life’s great man, i got this new job and i’m making good money. hours are sh-t but its good. how’s yours?
h: aw, man. i’ve been studying all week and feel like sh-t. i feel like i’m getting too old for all this partying (patient undergoes period of existential shock). i gotta make money man, 20 is the new 55. i’ve been trading bitcoins all week.
l: oh, sh-t. does that mean you’re not coming out tonight?
h: i’ll come around, maybe have one beer.
l:….
2 weeks later….
p: yo, laz! let’s get hanned tonight~
l: can’t man. i’m allergic to beer.
p: man, this dumb-ss n-gg- got the old man disease.
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