Pastafarianism

a new religion that worships flying spaghetti monster, initially created to protest the kansas state school board’s decision to teach “intelligent design” in schools.

also known as the fsm cult
codes of conduct:
# prayers are ended with the word ramen rather than amen.
benefits of conversion:
# like the great noodles they worship, flying spaghetti monsterists have flimsy moral standards.
# promise of a stripper factory and a beer volcano in heaven.

a rival faction, based on spam (spaghetti & pulsar activating meatb-lls), has formed and is calling for a holy war against fsm. spamation claims to have the one true letter to the kansas school board.
the great and allmighty atheist religion which teaches how the world was created by the flying spaghetti monster who happened to be drunk which thus explaines why bad things happen. the pastafarians follow the church of the flying spaghetti monster and when they go to heaven they will enjoy a beer volcano and a stripper factory, however in h-ll the beer is stale and the strippers have vd! in pastafarian terms agnostics are known as spagnostics and all prayers must end with ramen. september 19th is the national talk like a pirate day and the religions founder bobby henderson has published a “gospel of the flying spaghetti monster”.
the 8 id realy rather you didnts are

1)i’d really rather you didn’t act like a sanctimonious holier-than-thou -ss when describing my noodly goodness. if some people don’t believe in me, that’s okay. really, i’m not that vain. besides, this isn’t about them so don’t change the subject.
2)i’d really rather you didn’t use my existence as a means to oppress, subjugate, punish, eviscerate, and/or, you know, be mean to others. i don’t require sacrifices, and purity is for drinking water, not people.
3)i’d really rather you didn’t judge people for the way they look, or how they dress, or the way they talk, or, well, just play nice, okay? oh, and get this into your thick heads: woman = person. man = person. samey = samey. one is not better than the other, unless we’re talking about fashion and i’m sorry, but i gave that to women and some guys who know the difference between teal and fuchsia.
4)i’d really rather you didn’t indulge in conduct that offends yourself, or your willing, consenting partner of legal age and mental maturity. as for anyone who might object, i think the expression is go f— yourself, unless they find that offensive in which case they can turn off the tv for once and go for a walk for a change.
5)i’d really rather you didn’t challenge the bigoted, misogynistic, hateful ideas of others on an empty stomach. eat, then go after the b——-.
6)i’d really rather you didn’t build multi million-dollar churches/temples/mosques/shrines to my noodly goodness when the money could be better spent (take your pick):
ending poverty
curing diseases
living in peace, loving with p-ssion, and lowering the cost of cable
i might be a complex-carbohydrate omniscient being, but i enjoy the simple things in life. i ought to know. i am the creator
7)i’d really rather you didn’t go around telling people i talk to you. you’re not that interesting. get over yourself. and i told you to love your fellow man, can’t you take a hint?
8)i’d really rather you didn’t do unto others as you would have them do unto you if you are into, um, stuff that uses a lot of leather/lubricant/las vegas. if the other person is into it, however (pursuant to #4), then have at it, take pictures, and for the love of mike, wear a condom! honestly, it’s a piece of rubber. if i didn’t want it to feel good when you did it i would have added spikes, or something.

in the words of the flying spaghetti monster himself, (and written by bobby henderson, the creter of pastafarianism)
paw-stah-far-ee-an-ism n. the recent emergence of a well ill-strated and expressed “belief” that all existence was created by a flying spaghetti monster through the use of its “noodly appendages.”
person a: “this hilarious and satirical movement (called pastafarianism) came about after the kansas school board moved to put spiritualist creationism on par with scientifically supported evolution in kansas public schools.”

person b: “this movement/definition (of religion) lacks the necessary mention of its reliance upon supernatural authority and thus the inescapable role of faith, which has been defined as having the purpose of “giving credence to things that never happened.”

person c: “of course, there’s bias inherent in that definition as well but, suffice it to say; the primary role of faith is to demand that one ignore logic and suspend reason so as to accept things as true which violate proven laws of science and often have not a shred of supporting evidence.”

the belief that a real prophet should be college educated
look at that bobby henderson guy, he’s a total believer of pastafarianism.

no he’s not, he’s just a college-educated prophet

yeah yeah, whatever.