Phantom Shit

a phantom sh-t is the rare phenominon wherein a sh-t (usually of a solid, well-defined mars bar-like const-tution) disappears entirely from sight before the sh-tee has a chance to admire his creation. a phantom sh-t completely submerges itself beneath the upper waters of a toilet-bowl in an instant.

initially such an occurence brings on the sensation of euphoria. however, the bliss is quickly replaced by paranoia and self-doubt as one tries to recall if they did truly sh-t or not. usually the doubt can be subdued by wiping ones -ss and finding sh-t upon the toilet paper. however, if the sh-t was a clean run and the toilet paper produces no sh-t-stains, then symptons may intensify until the sh-tee becomes a paranoid r-t-rd who believes in, and creates, conspiracy theories.
-bob squats over his toilet and unleashes a dump
-bob rises to a stand and stares down at the toilet to find it empty. a phantom sh-t has occured.
-astonished, bob grabs for some toilet roll in a panic and wipes his -ss
-the toilet roll produces no sh-t post-wipe and bob runs away from the bathroom flailing his hands above his head whilst screaming
-bob tells his friends that the illuminati are in cahoots with giant-headed aliens in a plot to take over the world.
-bob creates r-t-rded websites and spends his life masterbating over s-xless, fictional alien creatures.
when you are sitting on the cr-pper and you force out what feels like a triple coiler and you look in the bowl of the toilet and its gone
“(on the phone after a phantom sh-t)”
person a: i was just sitting on john for twenty minutes and i took the biggest sh-t of my life
person b: did you get a picture?
person a: no it was a phantom sh-t!!!
when you take a sh-t, and when you wipe your -ss, there isnt any sh-t on the toilet paper
i saved three minutes by taking a phantom sh-t, way to be
a mysterious sh-t left by a person in an abnormal place to annoy another person, followed by a phone call to the victim whispering “the phantom has struck.”
example 1: “oh my god someone has sh-t on a plate and put it in the fridge.

example 2: victim “what is that on top of the bonnet of my car? christ that’s somebody’s sh-t.”

telephone rings

victim “h-llo”

phantom sh-tter: “the phantom has struck”
1. when you’ve had a cr-p and wipe your -rs- but the sheet comes back clean, and you wonder if you actually went.

2. a phrase meaning you’ve had good luck
1. “i was running late but i really needed a sh-t – luckily it was a phantom, so i made it to work bang on time.”

2. a – “hey, you look happy.”
b – “yeah, i’ve been having phantom sh-ts all week.”
a phantom sh-t is when you take such a big dump that it has the velocity to go through the pipes without you needing to flush and when you look down it has appeared to vanish.
person 1 : jaysus, just had a giant sh-t. when i looked down to check the size of it, it had disappeared.
person 2 : so it was a “phantom sh-t” ?

person 1 : yeah! didn’t even need to flush.
when you take a sh-t, and when you wipe your -ss, there isn’t any sh-t on the toilet paper
i just took a phantom sh-t, i saved a couple of minutes because i didn’t have to wipe my -ss

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